


Drifting

by tinakegg



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Post-Season/Series 03, Reunions, Talking, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-17 21:59:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 42,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4682894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinakegg/pseuds/tinakegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story takes place post s3 the night of Rae's levers ball after Finn comes home from the swan and what happens after. This is my s3 fix it fic and one of many that will be writen I'm sure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. drifting part one

He opens the door to his flat throwing his keys by the side table next to the settee, the sound jarring in the silence of the room. He kicks off his shoes and goes to the fridge to take out another beer although he had a few at the swan he just wanted to drink himself into oblivion, to forget. He opens it and takes a swig looking out into the dark room, the only light coming in from the streetlight outside his bedroom window. Finn sighs at the empty room that mirrored his heart now, empty. He feels Raes presence deeply in the flat, haunted by her touch, her smile, the sound of her laughter and sounds of pleasure she made as his heart ached for her. Than flashes of Katie’s lips on his and the kiss invaded like dark tendrils reaching out to wrap around Rae taking her away from him, leaving him in an abyss of nothingness. Finn could almost smell her sticking sweet perfume and feel the wrongness of her touch and lips on his. He keeps replaying the last few days in his head as he drinks, feeling like someone who didn’t know him took over his life making him say and do things he never would. He throws his beer bottle at the wall violently with glass shattering everywhere, the liquid falling down the wall like the tears on his face. He goes to his bedroom trying not to remember how Rae looked so beautiful sleeping in bed or how she looked so betrayed when she saw **her** sitting on it. He took off his tux not caring where it landed, putting on a band shirt and tracksuit bottoms, he noticed on his shelf a hair tie of Rae's he must have missed when he hastily packed up her stuff days ago, he clung it to his heart as he sobbed falling to his knees, feeling lost without her. He got up after a time putting her hair tie around his wrist and taking the duvet with him to his settee. His bed, no their bed felt tainted with the betrayal he committed on it and he couldn’t bear to sleep on it since. He’s laying down on the uncomfortable second hand settee but not caring anymore, he felt he deserved the discomfort as penance for breaking the heart of the love of his life. A fitful sleep finally takes him, lost in dreams of Rae that turned into nightmares of Katie. Soon Finns dreams turned into something much darker of a little boy in rooms with hollow people, a man with evil cold eyes holding a needle to the boys neck.

The next morning he wakes up with a pounding headache and unable to shake that one nightmare he had , he gets up gingerly to get something for head and goes to the shower to try to wash off some of his dark mood. He gets out and dresses in some jeans and another band shirt, he walks into the living area of his flat and the day he asked Rae to move in with him, the days they spent here happy together hit him like a slap in the face. He gets another beer not wanting to remember, he takes a swig which causes him to look at the door and sees her hand, skin torn on the knuckles and the feeling of knowing he let her down stabbed at his heart again. He slams his beer down on the counter and goes over to the record player putting on music hoping it will distract him but he finds it leaves him aching to hear her analyze every nuance of the song. He stops the record unable to listen any longer, he looks around the room and it seems Rae's mark is left everywhere but also hers as well. He should have known what she wanted with the way she wormed her way into his life but she seemed so concerned about Rae, so sincere. Suddenly in a violent rage he tears down the posters on his walls, upturns the settee, tables, destroying anything he can get his hands on trying to rid the tainted feel of the flat. He’s in his bedroom panting, his things strewn everywhere, he stands there for what seems like hours until he finally decides what he needs to do. He goes to his phone to call into work sick than takes out an advert in the paper.

Two weeks go by; Finn had packed up his record collection that wasn’t badly damaged form his fit of rage, to store at his dads. Gary Nelson didn’t like Finns plan when they had talked but supported what his son felt he needed to do. Finn had sold his settee and what few furniture items he had. His bed however felt to Finn so tainted that he couldn’t sell it, he didn’t want to bring bad luck to someone else’s relationship so he had made other plans for it. He found some one to take over his lease rather quickly form the advert he took out in the paper. He had borrowed a truck from the garage that chop and him had been working on, hauling his bed to the site of the rave he and the gang when to that summer when they first met, that seemed like a lifetime ago to Finn now. He took the bed, sheets, and duvet to the field nearby, he took an accelerant pouring it over the bed than lit it with his lighter. He watched the bed that he and Rae made love on, told her he loved her on, where they shared their last kiss burn as his tears fell down his face. He walked to the truck when nothing but burnt embers and the wired skeleton of the bed remained; he felt it represented how his relationship with Rae crashed and burned with one wrong kiss.

 **“You should never kiss someone if you don’t mean it** ” the words he told Chloe at the debrief mocked him now as he drove back to the garage to return the truck. He picked up his last check; he put in his two weeks the day after he put the advert in the paper. He didn’t tell anybody in the gang what he was planning, except for seeing Chop at the garage a few times he had been avoiding the gang for the last two weeks, especially Rae. The pain of loosing her was still to raw and he didn’t feel she would even want to see him. He called Archie to talk and have one last pint at the swan.

“WHAT! What do you mean you’re leaving Stamford? Since when?” Archie had a confused and shocked look on his face as he looked at his best mate.

“The day after Raes levers ball, after I tore me flat apart because I couldn’t take the memories anymore. The place felt tainted” Finn sipped his pint trying to keep his composure.

“Finn just get a new flat if that how ya feel and from the sound of it might be a good thing too” Archie said encouragingly.

“Its not just the flat Archer, it’s the town. Rae’s mark is left everywhere but so is **hers** and it taints everything” Finn said pensively. Archie didn’t even have to ask who Finn meant by her. It seemed to Finn Katie had been everywhere, the garage one day the pup the next than his flat. Her presence was like some insidious shadow following, stalking him yet disguised in the form of a so called concerned friend.

“Mate you made a mistake but owned up to it. You don’t have to leave town because of it”

“Arch that mistake cost me the love of me life! I can’t stay here anymore” Finn look at Archie somberly as he took another sip of his pint.

“Finn it just sound like your running” Arch couldn’t deny that this news was tearing at him and wished he could do something to help his friend but this was something beyond his experiences. It had been hard for Finn the first time Rae and him broke up but this was something far more worrisome.

“Yeah maybe I am but who say I have to stay in fuckin’ Stamford, who wrote that Finn Nelson stays in Stamford for his entire life. Why does she get to leave, you, everyone and I don’t? Even here in the pup I can still feel her touch, hear her laughter, and can almost catch a whiff of her sent. I-I need to get out, try and make a fresh start…try to forget her” Finn said in a distraught tone of voice that he was trying to keep under control. Archie saw the determination and heartbreak in his best mate’s eyes and conceded.

“Where you gonna go?” Archie could feel tears in his eye welling up but blinked them away.

“Back to Leeds for now and figure it out from there what I do next. I’ll keep in touch Arch” Finn huffed out a breath and smiled small at his friend.

“When do you leave?”

“Tomorrow in the morning from me dads” Finn said resolutely as he took another sip from his pint. Archie was shocked Finn was leaving so soon.

“You gonna tell the gang cause you know chops gonna be mad you didn’t let him throw you a going away party” Archie awkwardly huffed out a laugh trying but falling miserably to lighten the mood.

“No, I don’t feel much like having a party and I don’t want you to tell them where I’m going either, especially Rae” Finn looked at Archie seriously making it clear he didn’t want to be found.

“What do you want me to tell them when they ask about ya because I don’t want to lie, especially to Rae” by the tone of Archie’s voice he made it adamant he didn’t like this at all.

“Just tell them I needed a fresh start, left and that I’m good” Finn took another swig of his pint.

“Anything you want me to tell Rae” Archie treaded this subject carefully.

“No the sooner she forgets me the better for her, hell she probably already has, I let her down so much” Finn played with his half empty pint glass as he leaned back in his chair. He blinked back tears as the ache in is heart grew bigger.

“ Finn you know that’s not true, your being to hard on yourself mate you got to stop” Archie was desperate to get his friend to forgive himself.

“Maybe, look just tell them what I told ya ok! I have to go six in the morning comes early. Bye Archer” Finn slid his pint glass to the side and got up but Archie stopped him.

“Finn are you sure about this?” Archie was now standing up facing Finn with a worried glance in his eyes.

“Honestly Arch no but I know I can’t stay here. I’ve got to go.” Finn turned and walked out and got into his car and went back to his dads. He finished packing his stuff and put it in boot and backseat of his car. The next morning he said goodbye to his dad and left for Leeds. He walked out the door with his last bag and shook his head when he saw Archie standing next to his car.

“what ya doin’ here?” Finn walked to his best mate although he had to be honest Archie was more a brother to him in every sense of the word than just a friend.

“Wanted to get the chance to say goodbye this time unlike the last time you left without a word ” Finn saw the hurt in Archie’s eyes and felt guilty at leaving again but he made his decision.

“Sorry about that Arch” Finn put his last bag in the car and faced Archie giving him a small apologetic smile.

“It’s forgiven. So you’re really doing this, running?” Archie challenged.

“Its not running it’s a fresh start Archer” Archie saw how Finn avoided his eyes and heard the evident lie in his voice.

“If you say so Finn” Archie said wearily

“Look! I told you why I’m doing this so I’m not gonna talk about it, ok” Finn said curtly as the ache for Rae built up inside him and something else he couldn’t quit discern was brewing under the surface making him just want to run.

“Ok! You know Rae sa…”

“Don’t Arch! I don’t want to hear anything about Rae right now except for if she’s happy and that’s it” Finn’s voices cracked with the emotions building up inside of him.

“Well she wasn’t Finn at the pup last night when I told the gang your leaving” Archie had enough and wasn’t gonna let Finn go without some kind of a fight.

“Well she will be in time, soon she’ll find some one good enough for her cause I never was” Finn almost shouted but manages to get his voice under control.

“That’s fucking bullocks and you know it! You are good enough for her, you made a mistake Finn that she forgave you for” Archie was breathing hard now his blood rising to his face in frustration.

“Did she! Well she never said it and maybe I don’t deserve it,” Finn snapped back.

“Finn Rae said she was never an easy girlfriend and she lied about Bristol, Finn your not solely to blame for this relationship ending! Talk to her again salvage your friendship at least ” Archie was so frustrated he wanted to shake his friend to see some reason.

“I won’t argue that she lied Arch but it doesn’t matter its over now there’s no salvaging anything. I let her down when I called her mental, I still can’t believe I said it. You didn’t see the look in Rae’s eyes when she saw her on our bed or her hand.” Finn looked at Archie with a pained expression on his face.

“Your not even gonna try and fight?” Archie said desperately in a last ditch effort

“I tried Arch but she pushed me away left me like…she said her final goodbye to me at the levers ball maybe in not the actual word but she made it pretty clear she would never need me” Finn sniffed back tears desperate to go.

“Please Finn” Archie said defeated trying not to cry. Finn gave him a tight hug with Archie hugging him back just as fiercely. Finn loosened his grip as Archie let go, looked at him giving him a small smile.

“I’ll keep in touch Arch I promise. Bold brothers remember” Finn held up his left thumb that Archie mirrored with his left one, the faint scars from when they cut them to mingle there blood after seeing it in a film could be seen.

“Blood brothers. You better fucking keep in touch Finn or I will hunt you down” Archie felt tears fall down his face. Finn huffed out laugh

“I wouldn’t doubt it. See you around Archer” Finn turned to walk to the drivers side.

“Finn” Archie whispered quietly as more tears fell down his face; he didn’t know what to say to make Finn stay, he was missing his best mate, his brother already. Finn looked back and walked back to him taking his face in his hands placing a kiss on his forehead than looked him in the eye.

“I love ya mate ok! I got to go” Finn smiled at Archie his own tears starting to fall now.

“ I love ya too mate, bye Finn” Finn let go and walked to the drivers side of his car and got in. he started the car and slowly backed out in to the street than stopped and rolled down the window.

“I’ll call ya when I get to Leeds and tell the gang I said bye” Archie nodded and just like that Finn drove off and was gone.

 

Finn drove through town and it seemed the ghost of their relationship was everywhere. Down the high street where he punched Big G for her, past the park they shared their first hug, Rutland waters where he wanted to get closer to her, the swan car park where he started to feel something for her and let her down, the chippy where there relationship started and collage where it ended. Driving past felt like a knife stabbing into his gut as it made him feel his lost of Rae, his light that much more painful. He drove to the town limits passing the leaving Stamford sign; the car ride would be a long one to Leeds and was more heartwrenching than the first time he went because there was no coming back this time. Music could not even heal his broken soul it just left him empty, it felt hollow to his ears, the passion for it gone. Rae and him listing to music laughing together drifted in his mind, he took out the mixed tape throwing it out the window and drove in silence. He did not know where he was going in life, he never did. He just drove feeling he was drifting on an endless dark sea lost with out a north star to guide him and not any land in sight for refuge.


	2. drifting part two

He’s running his lungs feel like they could burst. He finds a hiding place as a voice tells him to be quite and he tries but his heart is beating as loudly as a drum he feels anyone can hear it. He hears a woman crying that the voice belongs to; he runs to her but his feet feel heavy and feels like he’s running in slow motion. He reaches out to her as he’s now being chased by the hollow people, there limbs turn into ominous vines reaching out for him, he sees her, he’s just out of reach he yells mummy than a bony hand grabs his arms and he turns to see cold hard eyes. Finn wakes up in a cold sweat panting hard; he sits up taking the cover off him. He turns his body putting his feet on the cold wood floor reaching over for his cigarettes on his side table trying not to wake the women in his bed. He lights one and takes a drag letting the nicotine hit calm him as he hunches over resting his elbows on his knees. Finn rakes his fingers of his left hand through his hair trying to shake the dark nightmare that has plagued him since leaving Stamford as well the hunting dreams of Rae.

 

_Finn had called Archie when he reached his uncles in Leeds that afternoon on the day he left, Archie told him that all the gang wished him luck but didn’t mention Rae like he had requested, respecting Finns need to try to forget her. Finn and his uncle were not the closest but Finn was grateful that his uncle gave him another chance hiring him again and providing him with a furnished flat. The first few months in Leeds were rough for Finn, it had become a blur of back breaking work in scaffolding, drinking heavily at home or the pup near his flat, spliffs that helped him forget but after the high of oblivion came the low of remembering his failings and hazel eyes full of hurt. He managed to forget at times but life would find a way to cruelly mock him with songs, ones that they loved and gutted him to hear. Music just brought lazy days of them in bed listing to their shared passion to the forefront of his mind. Finn just avoided listing to music as best he could getting use to the silence in his life. At first, he declined the advices of women in the pups but after a month he started having a string of one-night stands with women only wanting him for his looks and fucking until he forgot what it was like to run his hands over voluptuous curves and through soft raven hair. After the first year there, he decided to save up to move to Manchester, Leeds held just as many ghosts for him as Stamford had. The pain of his going to Leeds the first time with a broken heart and coming back the second time with a heart full of regret had become unbearable. After two years he had finally save enough to move._

 

He looks at the clock seeing it was two in the afternoon. He stands up his cigarette held between his lips and walks to the toilet to relieve himself, he walks over to the sink taking another drag and putting his cigarette in the ashtray exhaling the smoke than saw how rough he looked from a late night of partying with Vivian. He took a shower and got dressed, Finn started to make coffee looking up at the woman coming from his bedroom. Vivian has been the first person he met when he got to Manchester a month ago thankful she helped him.

 

_Finn defeated from a job search that yielded nothing went into a pup to get a drink, he sighed putting the useless paper down on the bar frustrated. The barman acknowledged him and Finn asked for a pint, Finn was lost in thought when a female voice broke him out of his reverie._

_“What’s wrong tiger?” Asked a leggy slender blond with blue eyes looking at Finn with apparent curiosity and a slight hint of seduction in her eyes. Finn looked at the woman grumpily but decided to strike up a conversation._

_“Just got into town and been lookin’ for work and haven’t any luck finding one” Finn took a sip of his pint the barman just served him; he paid and looked back at the blond._

_“What kinda job ya looking for?” The blond put her elbow on the bar resting her chin in the palm of her hand leaning into him showing a little cleavage._

_“Scaffolding or mechanic got experience in both” Finn took out a cigarette lighting it, he took a deep drag filling his lungs with smoke blowing it out away from the women giving her a smile._

_“Well you’re in luck tiger I just happen to work for an ex of mine who owns a garage, his names Nick and he just lost a mechanic. He hasn’t put an ad in yet but I can give you his number” The women looked Finn up and down biting her lip in a seductive manner the wasn’t lost on Finn._

_“That would be great! Isn’t awkward working for an ex though” Finn took another drag of his cigarette exhaling out the smoke giving the woman a curious look._

_“Oh it wasn’t really serious and w_ e’re _good mates, so no.” The woman shrugged in a very sensual manner as Finn bit his lower lip pulling it out slowing._

_“So what’s ya name?”_

_“Vivian Hamilton and yours”_

_“Finn Nelson, can I buy ya drink?” Finn observed Vivian, she was defiantly girly and fit. The way she played with her hair almost reminded him of Stacy. She seemed to have a nice smile and seemed kind with trying to help him find a job. Finn figured after three years maybe it was time to move on with someone and maybe Vivian would be a good start at trying._

_“Why don’t I buy you one seeing you don have a job yet, I’m sure you can pay me back in some way” The seduction just flowed out of her mouth as she slowly licked her lower lip giving him a seductive smile. Finn accepted and both of them talked for a bit, Vivian was a secretary at the garage she mentioned to Finn and had grew up in Manchester. Finn told her he was from Stamford and about his dad, after an hour they left going back to his hotel room. Finn and Vivian were kissing passionately practically falling into the room as the door opened that Finn hurriedly struggled to unlock, he kicked the door closed as they tore at each others clothes to get at any exposed skin to kiss, lick, and touch. They were soon in bed fucking fast and hard until both came undone. Finn would feel the pain from his healing Rib in the morning but the alcohol in his system was dulling the pain for now. They lay in bed sated laying next to each other there breath returning to normal, Finn lit a cigarette and using it to light one for Vivian._

_“Well I think I was right when I called ya tiger cause your defiantly one in bed” Vivian joked as she laughed smoke escaping her lips Finn smiled crookedly looking at her as he put his left arm behind his head propping it up._

_“S’ppose I guess” Finn huffed out a laugh than took another drag of his cigarette blowing out the smoke watching it drift into the air._

_“Well I guess I better go this was defiantly fun” Vivian smiled at Finn and started getting up._

_“You don’t have to go ya can stay if ya want” Finn took another drag blowing out the smoke slowly while looking at the woman in front of him._

_“Well this is a first its usually implied I leave after” Vivian smirked at Finn as she got comfortable in bed taking another drag form her cigarette then extinguishing it in the ashtray on the side table by the bed. Finn did the same and started kissing her hard as he rolled her onto her back. Finn kissed her jaw down her neck to behind her ear._

_“Round two?” Finn whispered his voice husky with lust._

_“Round two it is, tiger” Vivian squealed as Finn nipped at her sensitive skin on her collarbone. They fucked until exhaustion and fell asleep, Finn didn’t dream that night._

Finn smiled at his girlfriend, they had started dating soon after their tryst in his hotel room. She was nice enough Finn observed maybe a bit vain at times but he wasn’t lonely with her and he figured it counted for something. He opened the cabinet and reached up to grab a couple of cups for the coffee wincing in a bit of pain from his still healing rib.

“Rib still sore Tiger” Vivian looked at Finn with sympathy as he rubbed his side gingerly.

“I’ll be alright” Finn gave Vivian a quick smile and finished making the coffee passing a cup to her. Vivian sat down while Finn started making some food for them to eat. He bent down to grab a pan from the lower cabinets and winced again.

“You want me to get ya something for your pain?” Vivian took another sip of her coffee as Finn shook his head.

“Its ok I’m good, it’s just a little uncomfortable. It’s not as bad as it was when I woke up in the hospital a few weeks ago” Finn chuckled but it hadn’t been very funny when he was in the hospital bed in pain.

“I bet” Vivian took a sip of her coffee as Finn finished the food he was making. The last two weeks before he moved the Manchester had been harrowing to say the least.

 

_Finn took another drag of his cigarette while walking to his flat in the cold of early October, he was looking forward to drinking a beer and lighting up a spliff to forget the crap day at work. First two of his coworkers called in sick than he was stuck working with Mickey who had a problem with him just because his uncle was the owner making his day a long and miserable one. Finn put his two weeks in with his uncle who was not pleased by it and were told he would not be hired again. Finn had been fine with it because he had no intention of coming back. He walked into his flat closing the door behind him; he hung up his keys on the hook and walked to his small bedroom. Their was a neon sign across the way blinking red and blue light through the window which made the room look like some cliché scene out of a film finn mused to himself. He took of his work clothes putting on jogging bottoms and a t-shirt. He got a beer than walked over to his chair; he sat down than opened up his beer taking a swig. He settled for a football game, he put his beer on the side table after taking another gulp of it turning back to the game on telly than her voice echoed in his head **“you can score a goal”** and he was back on the pitch running kicking the football around. He looked up at the sound of her voice as a warm feeling overtook him with her there cheering him on than with one wrong move he was down and hurt. She’s helping him to the looker room and taking care of him, their lips connect and it felt like he was as close to heaven as he would ever come to be. Than his heaven dissipates and its Katie’s lips on his kissing him as her fiery kiss burns his soul leaving a charred mark of betrayal in its place. Finn wakes up his heart racing with the nightmare, he looks at the clock and sees it’s just past midnight. Finn gets up from his chair putting his half-empty beer bottle in the bin than walks to his room; he sits on the side of his bed opening his side drawer by the bed. He took out one of the pre rolled up spiffs and lit it, he inhaled letting the smoke take his mind into a freefall of emptiness and dreamless sleep. He woke up at around noon the next day; he got up turning on his computer Archie talked him into getting to send emails a few months after he moved into his flat. He went to take a piss and came back to the computer to cheek his emails; he only receives ones from his dad and Archie. Despite his friends’ attempts to get him to talk to the gang, Finn did not want a reminder of happier times with them leading him to remember how happy he was with Rae. The feelings seemed still to raw it was hard enough keeping in touch with Archie, every time he and Archie met up in Leeds never in Stamford, he found his dreams of Rae increased and his one nightmare with the boy intensified. Finn tried to keep the visits to a handful of times in the last three years. Finn hoped with more time, when the pain became a dull ache, more manageable to live with than maybe he could see the gang and Rae, maybe. There was a new email and Finn clicked on it to read._

2001, October 6

Hey, mate,

So how’s it going? So some big news I have a boyfriend. His name is William; will for short, he hates his full name says it’s too stuffy. So other big news Chop is actually moving to Peterborough to be with Izzy, who would have thought right. Personally I think he’s going to ask iz to marry him when she’s done with uni, I‘m inclined to say she‘ll probably say yes. Um the gang says hi, the **WHOLE** gang Finn, they miss ya. Hay got the guitar picks thanks mate for that I was needing some, you know me always losing them hahaha. So we’ll have to meet up soon kinda missing my best mate and it would be wonderful for ya to meet will, I tell him a lot about you. Well got to go will and I are going to a museum to cheek out an exhibit I've been looking forward to seeing , so talk to you later.

Archer

_Finn had to smile at Archie’s intelligence, of course leave it to him to find a way around the do not say anything about Rae rule by bolding and capitalizing the word whole signifying she did ask about him. He had been doing this since the time Finn asked again for him not to mention her when he started emailing. Finn was genuinely happy for Arch and his friends that they were in good places in life, that they found a propose in life. Rae even had a boyfriend according to the last email Archie sent back in March. Finn had felt a sharp pain in his heart at the news and of course, annoyed Arch broke the rules about Rae. He didn’t ask for any details except if she was happy and when Archie had said yes it had been enough for Finn to know that. This boyfriend would be better for Rae the one who would be her intellectual match; he wouldn’t bore her unlike himself. Finn could see this man challenging her in every aspect of life but would also be the one to know how to be there for her without always fucking it up. He shook his head to forget his line of thought not wanting to go down that road, Finn just wanted to get over Rae so every fiber of his being could stop aching for her, crying for her, dreaming of her._

_He typed up a quick reply and sent his email, Finn made himself something to eat when he realized he hadn’t eaten anything since lunch the previous day, after a lunch of wormed up pizza he went to take a shower and got dressed to go and find boxes to start packing up his stuff over the next two weeks. Finn could hear Archie now “your running again” after he gets the email he just sent telling him about the move. Finn figured maybe he was but he hoped with this move, another new start he could stop both nightmares, maybe finally find a way out of this limbo of life. Finn got into his car and drove to the nearest grocery store, after talking to the manager, he was able to find a few good sturdy boxes for his move. He got back to his flat and unloaded the boxes he found bringing them in. he put the last box down and looked at the time and decided to go out not waste a Saturday night packing he could do that the next day. After grabbing a bite he walked out locking the door behind him and started for the pup he lived near by. He had been at the pup for a couple of hours drinking in a dark corner refusing advances from a few women not in the mood for company, after his sixth pint Finn got up to walk home. Finn struggled a bit on the walk back but managed to get to his street. He became filled with dread as he saw Vic standing at his door with a couple of burly men. Finn sobered up a little and uttered a “fuck” under his breath knowing he was screwed; he turned the other way hoping to go unnoticed and hide until Vic left. On his retreat he bumped into a rubbish bin loudly alerting Vic and he’s friends of his presence. Finn started running cursing himself for drinking so much as he ran down an alleyway looking for a place to hide, he ducked into in a dark doorway tiring to get his breath to slow. He has a flash of a moment hearing the voice of the woman from his dreams telling him to stay quite filter throw his mind, Finn shakes his head to clear it trying to stay alert for any sign of the pot dealer. Finn found Vic through an ex coworker when he came back to Leeds and needed some spiffs, he defiantly was not someone you wanted to mess with or be late paying. Finn stood in the doorway listing for Vic and his associates, his heart beats loudly as he cautiously peeks around from one side to the other. He didn’t see anything and made his way back to his road trying to get to his flat as quietly as he could._

_“Where you think ya gonin’ nelson? I told ya you owe meh money” Finns blood ran cold at the sound of Vic’s voice. Finn made a run for it but one of the burly men grabbed him, he was too strong for Finn to fight off and practically dragged back deeper in the ally. Vic looked at Finn with a menacing smile on his face the filled Finn with more dread than before._

_“Look Vic I got the money in my wallet I just had car troubles and I needed the money to fix it. I‘m sorry I‘m late with it. I was going by yours tomorrow to pay” Finn tried to keep his voice calm and even but it wavered betraying the fear in his voice. Vic just shook his head chuckling coldly._

_“You think it’s that easy eh! I gave ya a week’s extension because you’re a good customer but ya didn’t pay. You should have come to me and I would have had you do a job for meh but ya didn’t” Vic nodded his head to the other guy gesturing to Finn and his pocket. Finn heart was pounding in his chest as the guy got closer and reached in his pocket for his wallet. Vic caught the wallet that burly guy number two threw to him. He opened it and took all of the money that was in it but also found a picture that made Vic raise his eyebrows at Finn._

_“So who’s the girl?” Vic licked his lower lip as he clearly was leering at the picture of the girl._

_“My ex” Finn said coolly through gritted teeth._

_“Really nelson, so ya into the fatty’s too uh. She’s got nice tits, I do love the big girls there so grateful and so good at putting things in there mouth” Vic laughed putting the picture back in the wallet as his friends chuckled, Finns blood boiled with rage at the way Vic talked about Rae._

_“Don’t talk about her like that you fucking twat” Finn spat back angrily but the look on Vic’s face made him wish he hadn’t said anything. Vic threw Finns wallet on the ground and got in Finns face_

_“That was the wrong thing to say nelson, here I was just gonna take ya money and let ya go with a warning but now you don’t get a warning” Vic said in such a cold, low voice that Finn felt a cold chill run down his spine. Vic punched Finn in the gut winding him than took a blow to the face, Finn was sure the sickening crack he herd was his nose breaking with the impact. The man holding Finn let go of him causing him to fall to the ground coughing spiting blood, Vic gave Finn a hard kick in the stomach making him groan out loud. He kicked Finn a couple more times in the stomach and ribs, the last thing he herd and saw was someone yelling stop and his assailants running as he fell into a void of blackness._

_He woke up groggy; he could hear the beeps from the monitors by his side and low voices in the room. He turned to a familiar male voice as his father came into focus. Gary nelson looked relived to see his son ok albeit a bit worse for wear and walked to his side with a smile on his face but worry in his eyes. The doctor walked to Finns other side checking on his vitals._

_“Mr Nelson I’m Dr. Carlyle and you’ve had quite a beating. Do you know what year it is and who this person is?” The doctor said in a warm voice, Finn looked at his dad and smiled but winces at the pain from his split lip._

_“Um two thousand and one and that’s me da. Ho-how long have I been here?” Finns voice was raspy and his throat was dry like the Sahara desert. He tried to move but winced with the intense pain he felt._

_“You’ve been in hospital two days now and you got a fractured rib and a broken nose that we reset. A bit of a concussion to the head but other than that you were lucky that cop heard the fight or you most likely would have been worse” Dr. Carlyle pursed his lips together looking at Finn seriously._

_“How long do I have to stay here?”_

_“One more day for more observations, your rib will take about six weeks to heal fully but I think you’ll be fine with a little more rest. I have to see another patient but a nurse can answer any questions you may have. I will check on you tomorrow” Dr. Carlyle shook Gary's hand and nodded his head at Finn in goodbye._

_“Thank you doctor” Gary said as the doctor left. Gary took a deep breath, pulled a chair closer to Finn’s side, and sat down next to him._

_“Hi da”_

_“Hi son. Do you want some water? I’m sure your probably parched” Gary smiled at his son looking older than Finn remembered from the last time he saw him._

_“Yeah thanks da” Gary took the water pitcher on the side table pouring some into a cup for Finn and gave it to him. Finn sipped on the straw every movement sent a searing pain trout his body._

_“So they caught the guy that did this to ya. The cops are going to need a statement” Gary gave his son a small smile but the concern was written all over his face._

_“That’s good. Um when will they talk to meh?” Finn winced in pain as he looked over to his father to fast causing the ache in his head to worsen._

_“Tomorrow probably. So what happened?”_

_“I said the wrong thing to the wrong person. Um he was the guy I get pot from and things came up and I didn’t have the money at the time I owed to pay him” Finn looked away from the disappointing look his dad gave him but he missed the fear in his dad eyes when he did._

_“Son I’ve told you that you shouldn’t do drugs it’s not safe and…you could get badly addicted” Gary poured every bit of fear and worry on every syllable he spoke. Finn had heard all this before but the way his father sounded made him think there was something more that his father wasn’t telling him._

_“Da it’s my life and…”_

_“I KNOW ITS YOUR LIFE SON BUT I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU IN THE HOSPITAL WITH BRUISES ALL OVER YA FACE ,HURT OR WORSE… dead in the morgue” Gary practically shouted but lowered it trying to gain control over his fears blinking back tears._

_“Ok da I’ll try and stop. Ya don’t have to worry about me” Finn meant it but would find it easier said than done in the coming months._

_“I’m ya dad that’s what parents do worry. So what are the boxes in ya flat for son?” Gary looked away and wiped away a tear from his face._

_“I’m moving to Manchester da. I gave uncle Owen me two weeks Friday”_

_“Why ya running again and don’t tell me that’s not what ya doing. I know you son” Gary sighed he felt his age catching up on him._

_“I-I’m just burnt out I just need to do something different da” Finn replied looking older than his twenty-two years._

_“You need to find a path in life son, why don’t you come home and start finding it there,” Gary pleaded with the worry washing over his face._

_“Da I can’t…I-it would be a step backwards and I’m trying to move forward”_

_“Please son just come home for a little bit at least until you find work in Manchester” Gary pleaded again the pain in his eyes was too much for Finn causing him look at the IV tube in his hand._

_“Da again it’s my life…I half to figure it out on me own but thank you for the offer da” Finn gave his dad a half smile half grimace as his lip split fresh from the movement._

_“Son”_

_“Please da I don’t want to talk about it” Finn looked at his dad sternly with determination in his voice. Gary conceded defeat and nodded his head feeling as if he lost his son and all that’s left in his place was someone unrecognizable._

_“So have ya told Archie you’re moving?”_

_“Yeah in an email I sent out Saturday. Um you didn’t call him about this did ya?” Finn took another drink of water as he looked at his dad with his own worry in his eyes._

_“Um no haven’t had time do ya want me to?” Gary had a tiny spark of hope that maybe Finn would talk with his friend and he could talk some sense into his son but it faded with a shake of Finn’s head._

_“No I don’t want to burden him with this and I’ll be out tomorrow so it would be a waste of a trip for him” Gary nodded looking tired causing Finn to be concerned ._

_“When was the last time ya got sleep da?”_

_“I got a little kip in a few hours ago in ya flat, I’m good” Gary replied in a reassuring tone but Finn saw the lie in his eyes._

_“Da I’m ok go get some real sleep, ok” Finn patted his dads hand reassuringly._

_“Ok Finn but I’ll be back in the morning. Love you son”_

_“Love ya to da” Gary gave Finn a kiss on his forehead, a longing for a simpler time arose in Finn with his dad’s kiss, the kind that he would get just before bed when Finn was little. After Gary left Finn looked around for his belongings and found his wallet in the drawer of his side table taking it out, he pulled out the photo of him and Rae, the photo that he never seems to have the strength to throw away or keep out of hi wallet. He looks at it reverently, holding it carefully as its showing more wear and tear now. The moment his lips touched hers in her new room that night had started a clock of borrowed time for them, Finn had always felt it in there nearly two year relationship. He had been a dreamer hoping to prolong that time by asking her to move in with him when he thought she didn’t get into uni, thought it had been a sign, he sees that now. How do you hold a ray of sunlight in your hands wanting it to last forever when it’s only to be temporary? That’s what Rae was to him Sunlight in his otherwise gray existence, Finn wiped away a tear shaking his head wishing he could put that picture along with that part of his heart were Rae resides and lock it away somewhere freeing him to move on. Finn closed his eyes soon he is laying on a patch of grass next to Rae watching the sunlight dancing in her hair almost as if she were made of it._

“So tiger what are we gonna do today?” Vivian took a bite of her food while playing footsie with Finn’s foot.

“Thought we could stay home watch a film or sommat” Finn looked at his girlfriend wearily still feeling the effects of the night before.

“Oh I thought we could go to that new club opening happening tonight that nick told me about, it would be so fun” Vivian smiled brightly.

“Babe I really don’t want to last night wore me out” Finn looked apologetically at Vivian.

“Finn please I really want to go but if you get tired we can leave early. Please Finn” Vivian begged giving Finn her best pout, Finn sighed than chuckled shacking his head.

“I s’ppose we’ll go than” Finn said giving in to his girlfriends pleas. Vivian jumped up with excitement and hugged Finn than sat on his lap.

“Thank you tiger, I love it when you spoil me” Vivian gave Finn a kiss as he put his arms around her.

“If it makes ya happy, so what time do we have to be there?” Finn peppered kisses down her neck making Vivian squeal.

“ According to Nick about eight and also hes getting us in forgot to mention that” Vivian looked at Finn shrugging apologetically.

“Its ok Nicks a good mate I’ll have someone to talk to while ya out on the dance floor”

“ why don’t ya ever dance with me Finn?” Vivian Ran her fingers through Finns fringe as he sighed.

“because I can’t dance and I’ll step on ya toe’s that’s why” Finn didn’t want to tell her that the last time he danced with someone it was with Rae.

“Finn I think you just…” A knock at the door interrupted what Vivian was going to say next.

“You expecting anyone?” Vivian got up off Finns lap as he got up.

“No but I’ll get it Viv” Finn walked to the door and opened it than suddenly broke out into a big grin.

“Archer” Finn and Archie hugged tightly, Vivian peeked her out of the kitchen door top see who it was.

“ Hey Finn” They let go of each other and Archie followed Finn into the flat closing the door behind him.

“ What ya doing here?” Finn was surprised to see his best mate but ecstatic that he came by.

“I was in the area for a uni trip thought I’d come by and see ya” Archie smiled than noticed Vivian coming walking to them.

“Um so you must be Vivian, Finn told me about ya some” Archie shook her hand as she smiled back at him but the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“you must be Archie he’s told me about you to, um Finn I’m going to get ready for tonight. Remember seven and if your friend is still around I guess nick can get him in too it’s a bit last minute but I’m sure he can work some magic. Bye” Vivian gave Finn a deep kiss before leaving barely acknowledging Archie on her way out.

“Wow she’s a warm one, where did ya meet her again? ” Archie sarcastically stated as he and Finn walked to the sofa and sat down. Finn reached for his pack of cigarettes by the side table taking one out and lighting it. He took a deep drag and exhaled the smoke before offering one to Archie who took one and lit it taking a drag.

“At a pup. Um she’s just like that sometimes after a long night of partying, we went to one last night she’ll warm up to you at the this club we’re going to, that is if ya coming.” Finn leaned back against the sofa back taking another drag of his cigarette.

“Yeah I leave Monday don’t have to be back at uni until Tuesday. So I can come tonight” Archie looked around the room this being the first time he was in Finns flat in Manchester. He noticed there weren’t any photos of the gang, his dad or Nan. Archie figured he could have them in a photo album but really what he saw was a very sparsely furnished flat much like it was in Leeds and it worried him.

“That’s great you’ll be able to meet my boss. Well he’s become more of a mate now, good person to work for.” Finn finished his cigarette than started smoking another one.

“Would that be this Nick guy that you’re girlfriend mentioned?” Archie finished his cigarette extinguishing it in the ashtray and leaned back onto the sofa.

“Yeah, so how’s uni?”

“Its going good, you know I have to say I’m glad ya talked me into that gap year instead of going straight into uni. My travels really helped me in my studies more, so it was defiantly worth that late start” Archie huffed out a chuckle.

“Well to be honest I just wanted me best mate around a little longer but of course it backfired on me and ya you decided to traveled on me instead.” Finn chuckled smoke blowing out through his nose, Archie started laughing with his friend, he had really missed his best mate, his brother.

“Well I guess nothing works out perfectly”

“No s’ppose not. Um look let me get dressed and I’ll show you around the city some we got a little time before I have to pick up Viv for tonight” Finn finished his cigarette and lit another one.

“Yeah sure that be great I only got to see a lecture hall and a pup” Archie joked.

“Great be right back” Finn got up happy to get to show his friend around some of Manchester. Finn dressed and the two left to sight see. Finn had missed Archie and wished he could have had longer to hang out with him. They picked up Vivian who greeted Finn with a kiss and still had an air of coolness toward Archie but hid it well from Finn. The three of them went to the club and met up with Nick who was two years older then Finn and taller with dark blond hair and green eyes. Archie noticed through out the night problems with Vivian, the ways she made snide remarks at the clubbers dancing, how she seemed to get Finn to do what she wanted, the way she flirted with some of the fit guys when she went out to danced, the occasional glances Vivian and Nick gave each other. He also noticed how Finn seemed oblivious to it, noticed how much he drank and smoked. Finn could put back his fair share of booze but Archie had never seen Finn like this before and it concerned him more than ever before. Finn had gone to the loo giving Archie time to talk to Nick a bit.

“So nick right?” Archie said cautiously not sure what this guy was like or how he would react.

“Yeah mate” Nick said a bit out of it as Archie observed a bit of white powder under his nose.

“Uh so you know Vivian pretty well right? What’s she like?” Nick looked at Archie smiling.

“Oh Viv yeah she’s a wild one loves the night life why ya ask?” Nick furrowed his brows at the inquisitive questions Archie was throwing at him.

“Just wondering do ya think…” just as Archie was about to say something Finn had just sat down looking a little tired.

“what’s going’ on?” Finn took a sip of his beer he grabbed off the table.

“Oh talking to ya mate Nick here. Um Finn you look tried you want me to take ya home?” Archie wanted to get Finn back to his flat and get him to sleep the alcohol out of his system so they could talk.

“Sure but I got to get Viv” Finn got up a bit unsteadily and was about to get Vivian when she walked over to them.

“Hey tiger I was hoping I could get another fiver to get a drink?” Vivian smiled that smile that Finn would give into.

“Uh I was goin’ to get ya to take ya home and Archie’s asked to take us” a flash of annoyance crossed Vivian’s Face but she quickly put on a smile, Finn missed the look but Archie didn’t.

“Ok tiger I did promise we could go if ya got tried, let’s go” Vivian waved at Nick who nodded his head in acknowledgment and the three left. Archie and Finn dropped Vivian home first than he took Finn back to his flat.

“here ya go Finn drink this water and take the tablets hopefully you won’t have to much of a hangover in the morning” Archie helped Finn into his flat and straight to his bed turning him on his side in case he vomited than got water and aspirin for him to take.

“You’re a good friend Arch I love ya man” Finn slurred a bit with a smile on his face than he took the tablets and drank the water.

“Well I love ya too mate now lie down and sleep it off will talk in the morning” Archie patted Finns arm lightly and made his way out.

 

The mist was everywhere and her voice was calling him **“Finn, Finn”** he ran to it but saw nothing but trees and the mist. He comes to a clearing full of sunlight and she was there wearing a flow white dress her long raven hair danced in the breeze. He went to her running and fell to his knees he looked up into her eyes of green specked with almost a golden light. **“I’m sorry Rae for not being enough please forgive me”** he says over and over again when her eyes of light turn dark and her raven hair turns red falling away to revel short spikes of hair as Katie started to cackle and leans down to his ear whispering **“ you don’t deserve it you never will”**. Finn yells out “NO” as he bolts upright in his bed and tries to calm his heavy breathing; he turns and sits on the edge of his bed. He reaches for his cigarettes and lights one up taking a couple of deep drags to calm his nerves. He gets up with a dull ache coming from his head and goes to take a shower; he gets dressed and makes some tea, an hour latter Archie arrives. Finn makes more tea for them, they start talking but it turned heated rather quickly.

“What the fuck ya talking about Arch?” Finn looked at his friend angrily putting hit cup down on the table.

“I just don’t trust her alright so excuse me for being worried for my friend” Archie’s frustration was rising trying to get through to his friend who was being more stubborn than a mule right now.

“Look Arch it’s my life and I’ll be with whoever I want to see” Finn lit another cigarette talking a drag to calm himself.

“Finn I think she uses you cant you see that?”

“Arch I don’t care what you think or any one else ok!” Finn took another drag wishing Archie would drop this and just leave him alone about Vivian.

“Look Finn I cant sit around and watch you waste your life” Once the words were out of his mouth Archie instantly wished he could take them back.

“Well than don’t Arch and just get out of me fucking life than if ya can’t watch. I got plenty more friends” Finn yelled back and would regret them in years to come.

“Mate you don’t mean that we’re mates, blood brothers Remember” Archie’s voice cracked the sound that would haunt Finn for years in dreams.

“Archie we not fucking kids anymore, we’re grown ups now. Just get out now” Finn looked at his ex best mate angrily.

“Finn I’m not giving up on this friendship and I know you don’t mean what you just said. So when things go wrong you know where to find me” Archie was hurting but not as bad as his friend was hurting.

“Archie if things go wrong I have to figure it out on my own”

“That is the biggest load of bullocks I’ve ever heard Finn. Sometimes when life goes wrong, the best thing you can do is ask for help, it shows you’re able to handle the crap life throws at ya. No one can do it alone all of the time. You know we’re I’ll be Finn” Archie turned and left blinking back tears. Finn got up to get a beer and took several swigs than grabbed the phone calling Nick asking about getting spliffs breaking his promise to his dad.

In the next couple of weeks Finns dreams intensified, he continued seeing Vivian asking her to move in with him round Christmas, which she gladly accepted. Finn and Vivian went to London to celebrate news year’s eve getting lost in the revelry, the mind altering highs and falling into dreamless sleep. Finn had did some special jobs for nick that paid well he was hoping to find a bigger flat, since Vivian moved in her stuff was starting to take over the place. Vivian had wanted to go to Vegas because she’s always wanted to go but Finn had out his foot down on this issue because they needed a bigger place. Vivian made it quite clear she was not happy buy Finn promised her they would go the next year, which she begrudgingly said fine to. Around March, Finns dad came for a visit and finally met Vivian who he didn’t take a likening to despite her efforts. It was a good visit for the most part, Gary was dropping by to say goodbye before heading home.

“Da thanks for coming and visiting” Finn hugged his dad tightly.

“Of course, I hope you come to Stamford soon to visit son” Gary tried to hide the hurt in his eyes but Finn noticed it and felt a stab in his heart from it.

“Maybe soon da” Gary picked up his luggage but one opened as the lock gave out on the well-used case.  
Gary huffed as he and Finn started picking up the contents, Finn picked up something that made him feel that his heart was ripped out of him stomped on than put back.

“How did you get this da?” Finn held up the engagement party invite for Rae’s engagement.

“She sent it to me,” Gary said nervously.

“Why?” Finn furrowed hid brows in confusion and a bit of anger.

“Well we’ve been having teas from time to time over the last three years” Gary always looked forward to those days after that first impromptu one.

_“Thank you for the tea Mr.Nelson” Rae said bit her lower lip nervously as she looked at Finns dad giving him an unsure smile._

_“Of course Rae and please call me Gary. So what can I do for ya?” Gary said warmly giving her a reassuringly smile trying to put the girl in front of him at ease._

_“Um Archie the little loyal shit that he is… Oh sorry I didn’t mean to say that um he won’t tell me where Finn is in Leeds and I was hoping you could tell me I want to talk to him.” Rae felt like a twat and wished the ground would come and swallow her._

_“I’m sorry Rae I cant tell you either I feel like I’ve lost him a bit I’m afraid if I tell you were he’s at and it doesn’t go well I’ll lose him forever. He’s got the nelson stubbornness I’m afraid. You’ll have to give him some time Rae when he’s ready he’ll talk” Gary hoped his son would come around._

_“Oh of course I’m sorry to put you on the spot like this. Your right he needs time um could you tell him I want to talk please.” Rae looked pleadingly at Gary._

_“I’ll try but I make no promises.”_

_“Thank you um I’ve got to go catch a flight to Tunisia” Rae got up and smiled at Gary as he got up walking her to the door._

_“No problems Rae please feel free to come back your welcome anytime. Um I didn’t know they had uni breaks in early October.” Gary realized what Rae had said and was curious._

_“They_ _don’t I’m taking a gap year right now Gary. Um I’ll take you up on that offer when I’m in town again bye” Rae smiled than left._

“I see um tell her congratulations for me and that I hope she‘s happy” Finn smiled at his dad but the pain in his eyes wasn’t missed by Gary.

“I will son” Gary was hurting for his son he knew what it was like to not be able to quit loving your first love and feeling like you failed them as well.

Finn sat down on his sofa smoking, as he was lost in thought. He called Vivian at the garage and asked if she still wanted to go to Vegas, he got a loud delighted squeal for a response. After a couple of days, they’re packed with passports ready and plane tickets in hand to go to sin city.

48 hours later …

Finn woke up head pounding in the hotel bed, Vivian walked out of the ensuite a towel wrapped around her. She walked over to Finn smiling before leaning down giving him a kiss.

“Morning Mr. Nelson” Vivian purred as she dropped the towel, Finn let his eyes roam her body as she straddled him.

“Morning Mrs. Nelson” Finn kissed his wife, the pounding in his head forgotten. He rolled her over on her back as they went for round two. Finn felt that he finally may have found a safe refuge of land to drift towards but what he didn’t see was it that it was poisoned by the betraying glance of two pairs of eyes of the deepest ocean blue and the emerald green of land.


	3. drifting part three

He pushes the cold heavy metal gate open of the entrance to the cemetery, his feet crunch on the hard packed snow as he walks unsteadily amongst the rows of tombstones. He takes a swig of his ninth bottle of beer that evening than takes a drag of his cigarette exhaling smoke as he throws the butt away. He walks down a few Rows until he finds the nearly ten-year-old tombstone he’s been looking for next to it was a freshly created grave from a recent funeral. Finn looks down at his Nan’s Grave in the dimming winter light and falls to his knees. He takes his bare hand and rubs off the snow on the stone marker putting it in his pocket in a vain attempt to warm it. He curses himself for not wearing a heaver coat instead of just his leather jacket that wasn’t keeping him warm against the harsh cold winds of northern England. He finishes his beer dropping the bottle next to him, he starts shivering as the melting snow under his knees and legs soaks his jeans. The tears he’s been fighting all day fall down his face as he’s lost in his head, his Nan is smiling at him telling him everything is going to be ok as the memory makes him smile but than the image just fades to Rae’s mum’s room and calling the hospital only to find out his nan was gone. He feels her embrace him holding him together as his world falls apart. Finn pulls out his pack of cigarettes taking one out and lighting it taking a deep drag.

“Alright Nan long time I know. Sorry I haven’t visited much, I’m sure I’ve been disappointing to ya.” Finn took another drag blowing out the smoke wiping way his tears that was a wasted effort as new tears fell down his face.

“I can’t believe its goin’ to be ten years since you’ve been gone. I really miss ya Nan. I got married nearly four years ago but you may already know that though” Finn huffed out a laugh as he wrapped his arms around himself to try to keep warm. He rubbed his hands up and down his biceps; he stops to take a drag of his cigarette and exhales the smoke though his lips that were starting to feel numb.

 

_Finn and Vivian got back home from Vegas after a week of partying, gambling, and spending lustful nights in their newlywed suite. Finn’s father wasn’t very pleased about the news, he thought being together for only about five months was too soon to make such a big commitment that marriage was. In the end, Gary begrudgingly accepted his sons’ decision but felt he made a very big mistake. Nick was also surprised by the news he never made Vivian out to be the marring type. He took out the newly wed couple to a club to celebrate and congratulate them; it was spent parting until dawn. A couple of weeks after Finn had gotten a surprising email from the last person he expected, Rae._

2002, April 2

 Hiya, Finn

So your dad told me you got married, congratulations. I hope you’re happy. If you’re wondering Archie gave me your email address not your dad so don’t be mad at him please. You know Archie is hurting please talk to him soon he misses you as well as the gang, all of us. I would like to talk in person, I know your dad tried to get you to talk to me and you did not want to but I hope you would want to now. Please talk to me.

Rae

 

_Finn grazed his hand over the computer screen, over Rae’s name. He removed his hand slowly and wrote a quick reply._

2002, April 2

Congratulations on your engagement and I hope you will be very happy in life. Please don’t contact me again. I’m sorry Rae I’m so, so sorry

Finn

_Finn hit send before he changed his mind and taking one last look at Raes email before deleting it. The first year of their marriage went by in a blur. There were parties with hangovers in the mornings, long days spent at the garage to save extra money to replace the money spent on Vegas, moving into a bigger flat that Vivian loved for a time but became dissatisfied with rather quickly. Finn started working special extra jobs on the side for Nick that were for a certain clientele with big money. Finn quickly tried of working on cars but the job provide for the lifestyle that Vivian wanted, the clubs, the trips, the new car he surprised her with on her birthday. She loved it at first but than wanted a new paint job than new interior coverings for the seats and so on, Finn kept telling himself that she just wanted it to be perfect and it made her happy. Finn got through the toughest days with a spliff after work to relax or beer and to forget dreams of raven hair and those cold menacing eyes. Their first anniversary was spent in Paris Finn made sure Vivian had a great time during their time spent there. They stayed in the most extravagant hotel that Vivian always wanted to stay in and that Finn worked long hours to afford. They dinned in cafes and restaurant that Finn didn’t care for but Vivian seemed to need to go to because she heard it was the next big thing. They partied in fancy clubs until dawn and spent some nights in lustful embraces. Vivian convinced Finn to stay another week, she didn’t want there time to end in Paris. Finn would have to work a few extra jobs when he got back home to replace the savings he used to pay for the extra week but didn’t mind if it was what Vivian wanted. Their second anniversary was spent in Italy at a villa that Nick owned it was there that the cracks in there marriage started to show._

_Finn walked into the flat coming home form a rare short day at work to find Vivian dressed up and waiting for him. He asked what was up and Vivian told him they were invited to go out to a club that night. Finn didn’t feel much like going and was annoyed that she didn’t call work to let him know or ask if he wanted to go but seeing that his wife was already dressed he agreed to go. He walked over to his dresser in their bedroom, getting a change of clothes he went to the bathroom for a shower, after he got out and dressed. Finn and Vivian went out to the club as Nick met them. Finn took some ecstasy Nick gave him, he was sitting on a fancy settee in a dark corner as the drugs he took started to take effect and he got up to find his wife. He found her on the dance floor and started to dance with her as the music pumped its thundering rhythm. He was lost in his daze, the muti color lights danced around him as the crap music played on making him think of Rae. He thought he saw raven hair out of the corner of his eye than heard his name in a singsong voice “Finn”, “Finn”. He looked around and saw her in a corner than she was by his side than in front of him, all of a sudden multiple Rae’s with that hurt, betrayed look in their eyes surrounded him, slowly closing in. He pushed past them than was running to a voice, to the crying voice of his dreams. He turned down a dark hall, his heart thumping wildly as he ties to find the voice and is met with a menacing smile and a hand around his throat squeezing the air from him until he blacked out._

_“Finn, Finn tiger wake up. What the fuck did you give him Nick? Please wake up Finn ” Vivian was livid at Nick for ruining her night she should be dancing having fun but instead she’s here tiring to revive her husband as they traveled to the A &E._

_“Just some ecstasy Viv! I guess it was some bad shit or something Mike gave me” Nick rolled his eyes as he drove into the driveway of the hospital. He got out to find a nurse while Vivian continued to try and revive Finn. A nurse and a orderly came out with Nick, they got Finn on a gurney and took him inside._

_Finn woke up the next day, he felt like some one cracked his skull open and pounded his brain into a pulp putting it back when they were done. Vivian had a flash of boredom cross her face but change it to concern when Finn opened his eyes holding his hand to be supportive. Nick was siting in the chair in the corner flipping through a magazine, he got up when Finn opened his eyes walking toward him._

_“What happened ? Nick what the fuck did ya give meh?” Finn rubbed at his temple trying to stop the pounding to no avail._

_“Hey mate uh I mixed up my pills I accidentally gave ya some bad LSD, sorry ‘bout that” Nick sniffed nervously wiping under his nose trying to get any residue left under his nose._

_“What the fuck Nick!…” Vivian rolled her eyes in annoyance by Nicks incompetence. She turns to Finn and smiles “ Well tiger now that ya awake I’m going home to sleep, I’ll be back tomorrow when they let ya out”_

_“Ok I’ll see ya tomorrow babe” Finn smiled at his wife who bent down giving him a kiss on the cheek than left giving Nick a cold glare on her way out._

_“Well I guess I’ll be headed out too, got some stuff to do see ya at work” Nick left before Finn could say anything, he planed on talking to him the first chance he gets. The next day Vivian picked up Finn after he was checked out by the doctor and given the ok to leave after being given aftercare papers and signing discharge forms. One day a few months later in the autumn Vivian took Finn out to show him something she was dying to show him. She told him to close his eyes as she led him into someplace._

_“Viv what’s goin’ on ?” Vivian led him further into the room she brought him in._

_“Ok open them” Vivian squealed , it was stating to do Finns head in and he wonder why I bothered him now when it didn’t before. Finn opened his eyes to see a well lit room that was opened to the kitchen to the left, he saw French doors to a green outdoor space. He looked over to his right to a large living area than turned his back to see a little hall that had stairs to the right and a dining area to the left._

_“What’s this Viv? Why did you bring me here?” Finn furrowed his brows in confusion as he looked at his wife._

_“Its our new home or will be when we sign the papers” Vivian beamed at Finn_

_“What do you mean its ours when we sign papers?”_

_“I found us a place of course”_

_“Viv if you wanted to get a house why didn’t you talk to me about it? We could have been looking for one together” Finn looked at his wife incredulously._

_“Oh tiger you been working so hard I didn’t want to bother you with this and I wanted to surprise you of course” Viv pouted looking down in a faux apologetic look that she knew Finn would fall for, he sighed shaking his head than smiled at her. He walked over to her putting his arms around her waist giving her a peck on the cheek._

_“It is a nice surprise just talk to me about something this big next time ,ok? Can we even afford this place?”_

_“Ok tiger and yes we can you make plenty of money” Vivian looked at him as if he was daft._

_“Will this house make you happy?”_

_“Tiger this is my dream home. So yes Finn I think I will be ” Viv smiled brightly at Finn, he couldn’t understand why her saying that bothered him but just shock his head and smiled again. Finn and Vivian singed the papers soon after that day, one of the first things they did was have a house warming party. It had lasted until dawn, after that day things stated to change. Finn noticed Vivian started to join groups that met a few days a week, occasionally went with Nick for business trips as she was needed to help him. He noticed that Vivian wasn’t as affectionate as before although he was never in the mood most of the time due to the long hours he put in. She even stopped calling him tiger which he didn’t feel that was much of a lose he had started to hate the nickname along with other little things she did, after a while it seemed they were living separate lives but shared a house and a bed. His father visited for the holidays staying at little B &B that Gary insisted on staying at but the truth was he still never warmed up to Vivian even refusing to call her his daughter in law. After what Archie told him of his suspicions about her Gary was even more worried for his son and felt so lost on what to do for his him. Gary had notice something off with the two and that Finn looked worn, older than his twenty-five years. Vivian went out shopping giving Gary time to talk to his son who noticed Finn was starting on his sixth beer in the space of two hours. They were decorating the tree something they haven’t done since before Finns Nans death._

_“You know what we need son, some music. Your nan always loved playing some holiday tunes while we put ornaments up remember” Gary chuckled at the memory while Finn looked uncomfortable but grunted a “yeah”._

_“Finn is everything going alright with you and Vivian?” Gary asked with a hint of disdain when he said Vivians name. He looked at his father and shrugged before taking a swig of his sixth beer._

_“Yeah its going good” Finn quickly looked down to the box with the ornaments he put down his beer to pick one up. He busied himself finding a spot for it trying not to look in his fathers eyes._

_“Son your sure I just noticed…”_

_“Da its fine honest! Were still just adjusting to the new house and everything, plus you know the holidays, it’s a rush. It will get better after it quiets down some” Finn smiled at his dad than picked up his beer bottle finishing it off before going for another one._

_“Don’t you think you should slow down a bit on the beer son, pace yourself a bit” Gary tentatively said not wanting to ruin this rare chance to talk to his son._

_“Da I’m good ok, just getting into the festive mood” Finn smiled than took a swig of his seventh beer._

_“Ok fine son…” Gary conceded but there was a hint of worry in his voice, he picked up an ornament to put on the tree and looked for hooks after not finding any. “ Finn do you have any extra hooks I don’t have anymore?”_

_“Yeah the h-hall closet upstairs.” Finn slightly slurred as Gary nodded his understanding and started to make his way upstairs._

_“Oh da could you get m-me mobile in me room? Its on my bedside table on the charger” Finn called after his dad as he started to feel the buzz of the alcohol in his system._

_“Sure thing son” Gary found the hooks and went into his sons room finding the phone, he was about to take it when he noticed the drawer slightly opened. He was going to close it when he spotted the spliffs, he sighed the fear tearing at his heart for his son._

_“Hey da did ya get lost? I know the house is a b-bit big but…” The joke left Finn mouth as he saw his fathers hand on the drawer._

_“Da what the fuck you doin’ going through me shit?” Finn said angrily as he walked past his father closing his drawer than turning to look at his father with a hard stare. Gary could smell the alcohol on his breath._

_“I-I wasn’t son but I thought you said you were going to stop this, I asked you to” Gary's voice wavered in fear._

_“Well da I-I’m an adult I can do whatever I w-want and you can just leave if ya don’t like it” Finn slurred his words. Gary knew this wasn’t the best time to talk to his son and wasn’t going to risk getting into an argument possibly loosing his son completely like he did his wife._

_“Maybe I should go back to the B &B, I’ll come back when your sober and we can talk then” Gary turned to make his way out._

_“There's nothin’ to t-talk about da. This is my life and you cant tell me what to do I’m a little old to be grounded” Finn raised his voice._

_“This life cannot be what ya want” Gary looked at his son sadly._

_“I’m fine with it da, I work hard and it pays for this house, I have a wife. From time to time I like to kick back and have fun what the fuck is wrong with that?” Finn yelled in a drunken frustration._

_“Son you cant possibly be happy not with that wife of YOURS. You throw away a close friendship with Archie for HER, I’M SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU” Gary yelled back and instantly regretted loosing his temper and what he said knowing it was the wrong move. Finn in a drunken anger shoved his dad against the wall._

_“I’M SO F-FUCKING SORRY I’VE DISAPPOINTED YA, THAT I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YA!” Finn screamed at his dad as he kept shoving him in the shoulder._

_“Son I’m sorry I didn’t m…”_

_“JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF ME HOUSE I DON’T WANT TO SEE YA AGAIN!” Finn left the room going downstairs to go get another drink, he was puling a beer out of the fridge when he heard the front door close. Finn forgot the tree and drank the day away passing out on the sofa where a disgusted Vivian found him._

 

“God I still hate myself for that day. I lost so much time with da after that, I d-didn’t know. I really need you now Nan” Finn felt hot tears fall down his face as took another drag of his cigarette blowing out smoke from his shivering lips as the February night air surrounded him in a cold embrace.

“Fuck this last year or so nan its been just I don’t know. Why do I just keep messing up” Finn took his last drag from his cigarette than flicking the butt away.

 

_After the holidays Finn and his dad didn’t communicate, Finn poured his time into his work. He refused to go to clubs with Vivian to the point she just stopped asking him and went herself or with Nick. On their third anniversary Finn just took Vivian to a new fancy restaurant that she had been banging on about but it hadn’t been enough for Vivian who decided to take a friend of hers on a girls weekend to Italy at Nicks villa. Nick also decided to take a holiday for the same weekend to Madrid Spain to visit a friend of his, Finn just couldn’t shake this feeling in the back of his mind that something wasn’t right but ignored it thinking he was being silly. His nightmares continued to plague him and he comforted himself with alcohol or spiffs to try to forget them. Finn had gotten home early one day in May, he got into the house when he realized he forgot his wallet in his locker at work, he would have just asked Vivian to bring it with her after she got off work but he wanted to surprise Vivian with a takeaway meal from one of her favorite restaurants when she got home latter that evening, it was monthly innovatory day and Vivian was needed for it apparently. He walked into the garage after driving back, he walked to his locker when he heard his wife’s giggle in Nicks office. Finn didn’t think anything of it, nick always had a jock that made Vivian giggle or the other guys chuckle . He was about to walk out when his wife let out moan, he stopped dead in his tracks and turned walking to the office. He got to the door and saw through the small crack his wife naked laying on Nick’s desk with him between her thighs. Finn felt suspecting something can leave you with a possible doubt but knowing for sure of that suspicion leaves you with none, He should feel angry, betrayed but he only felt numb and just left. The next few weeks he just worked as usual and sat at home drinking beer after beer, from time to time he took out the well worn photo of him and Rae a reminder of how much he failed her,hurt her. One midsummer day Vivian came home to a tried looking Finn who just opened his second beer holding the photo again._

_“Ugh why do you look at that photo with that fat minging girl in it when you can look at me your fit wife” Vivian said in a disgusted tone as she put her bags down from shopping. Finn bitterly laughed as he put the photo carefully back in his wallet._

_“Don’t see what ya complaining about I’m sure Nick gives you all the lookin’ ya need and than some” Finn spits out sarcastically than took a swig of his beer. Vivian went pale at Finns words._

_“What the fuck ya talking about Finn” The fake Innocent tone in Vivian's voice made Finn scoff._

_“I saw ya Viv in Nicks office, both of ya’s naked so don’t bullshit meh. so how long Viv ? Weeks, months, since the beginning?” Finn took a another drink of his beer than lit a cigarette inhaling the smoke and exhaling it out as he looked at his wife coldly into her eyes._

_“No not since the beginning, just the last year.” Vivian dropped the pretenses crossing her arms in front of her already bored of this conversation._

_“So I guess I wasn’t enough for ya than uh? Why?”_

_“You got boring, you were so much fun in the beginning, fit although not so much now. You look practically fucking forty than twenty-six” Vivian sneered looking disgusted at Finn._

_“Well being married to some one like you would age ya fast. All I do is work hard for ya to pay for this house, those bags of crap you buy at the shops, trips, while all you do is have fun and apparently with Nick” Finn spat back in bitter ire._

_“I do work ya know” Vivian said like petulant child._

_“You work two days a week that would barely pay for one of ya shoppin’ bags. Although I‘m sure Nick pays ya well for ya extra work ” Finn took another drag blowing out the smoke in a huff of annoyance._

_“Fuck you! Why the fuck did ya marry me Finn?” Vivian yelled having had enough._

_“I can ask the same question why did ya marry me” finn yelled back._

_“You were fit and fun like I said I figured getting married in Vegas was a laugh and that marriage would be fun with you. Boy was I wrong. So again why did ya marry me” Vivian walked over to the liquor and poured herself a glass of vodka straight up taking a large gulp, the sting of the alcohol burning the back of her throat._

_“I was lonely and I wasn’t when I was with you and you seemed nice. I figured that was good enough.” Finn just shrugged the fight leaving him deep down he didn’t really care, he just felt very worn._

_“Well I guess we should get a divorce than, I’m finding that marriage isn’t for me anyways”_

_“Fine with meh! In fact I’ll make it easy ya can have everything none of this shite is mine and I didn’t want it. I’ll go pack me clothes and the few items that is mine and go” Finn smashed his cigarette butt in the ashtray than after finishing off his beer he packed and left._

_“The divorce went as easily as getting married, almost four years Nan why is it so fucking hard ” Finn huffed out a bitter laugh. Finn rubbed at his arms again trying to put feeling back in them, he was feeling numb all over knowing he should leave but he stayed not wanting to go back to the house yet._

_The next few months Finn had found another job not wanting to work with his son to be ex wife and now ex mate. He was back doing scaffolding again and more back breaking work. He spent his free time drinking alone at his small flat, saved up money thinking of moving again maybe to someplace in Scotland he wasn’t sure yet. Life though sometimes had other plans for you and with one phone call in the middle of the night Finn found himself going home to Stamford in over seven years. He got to the hospital and went into the entrance going straight to the nurses station asking about his dad. He was led to a room in the ICU ward, his father was sleeping in the bed with monitors beeping around him and IV tubs in his arm and hands. He sat down next to his dad the tears that hes been holding back started falling as he took hold of his fathers hand gently. Gary opened his eyes and smiled at his son as Finn smiled back._

_“Well I guess if this was the way to get you home I would have had a stroke a while ago” Gary joked trying to lighten the mood._

_“Da that’s not funny” Finn sniffed back his tears as he took a trembling breath._

_“I thought so. Oh son its ok it could be worse. I've just lost the use of me left hand but the doctor said with some therapy I might get some use of it back so that’s good” Gary had always tried to find the bright side of things especially the darker days of his marriage with Finns mother._

_“Da I’m sorry for what I said and acted, I didn’t mean it” Finn let the tears fall as he looked at his dad regretfully._

_“Son you where drunk and what I said I didn’t mean either” Gary looked at his son with a mix of worry and love._

_“Its no excuse da”_

_“Doesn’t matter now we cant spend our lives living in the past. So is vivan with you?”_

_“No we got a divorce it was finalized just last month” Finn wiped at his tears._

_“I am sorry son about that” Gary looked at Finn sincerely._

_“Its ok it was a mistake. So when are they gonna let ya out of here ?”_

_“In a couple days time just in time for Christmas” Gary smiled but looked tired from what Finn observed and older._

_“Great I’m on family leave right now from my new job so I’ll we spend it together” Finn was for the first time looking forward to something again._

_“Wonderful we’ll have to break out your Nans old holiday albums” the two of them talked for a bit longer than Finn left giving his dad a hug and with that all was well with them again. He got to his dads house, his childhood home and let himself in. The memories of his Nans smile and laugh came flooding back to him the moment he set foot in the kitchen. He could almost smell the backed goods she made this time of year. He made himself something to eat than after cleaning up after himself he went to his old room but stopped short of the threshold. He decided to sleep in the spare room instead as his room held to many memories of Rae. The next couple of days he got a few things to make the house festive for his da and went to pick him up on the day the hospital released him. They spent a wonderful holiday together, talking about old times, making arrangements for a nurse to come and help Gary when Finn had to go back to Manchester, watching sports events and the Doctor Who Christmas special on the telly. Finn made sure his dad didn’t do anything strenuous and Gary told him not to fuss so much. Finn stayed a little longer after his boss told him he was shutting down the business for a couple of weeks holiday after new years. Both father and son spent new years eve witching the London festivities on the television. Finn woke from another nightmare panting, he got out of bed and went to the kitchen to pour himself a drink of vodka. He was startled when he saw his dad going through a couple of journals it looked like to Finn drinking tea._

_“Da what you doing up?” Finn said worriedly as he sat down next to Gary._

_“Just going though these two journals of ya Nans. There had been a flood once and these were the only ones to not get destroyed. I thought it was time to give them to ya and have a proper talk about your mum, the real reason she left” Gary smiled mournfully at Finn as he slid the items to Finn, he noticed his dad looked tired._

_“Da we can’t talk about this in the mornin’ its late”_

_“Than why ya down here then if its so late” Gary smiled teasingly at his son._

_“Just came for a drink but I’m good now” Finn made to get up but Gary stopped him._

_“Son ya mum had problems I should have told you this years ago and I see the mistake in not doing so” The regret was clearly heard in his voice._

_“Its ok da we finally talk about it tomorrow ya need rest” Gary nodded as the two of them started for the stairs, Finn helped his dad into the bed with protest from Gary to not fuss over him. They said there good nights but before Finn reached the door Gary called out to him._

_“I love ya son and I am proud of you” Gary looked at his son earnestly._

_“Thanks da, love ya too” Finn smiled warmly at his dad than went back to bed, he didn’t dream again that night. He woke up at about ten in the morning, he got up to see if his dad wanted to talk after breakfast seeing was a bit hungry. He knocked but after the third one and no answer Finn checked to see if he was in there. Finn felt a cold dread when he saw his dad in the bed, he walked over slowly than collapsed at the side of the bed, with a shaky hand he felt for a pulse and already knew he wouldn’t find one._

_“Da nooo I-I c-can’t l-lose you too!” Finn sobbed his heart felt like it was being squeezed and pulled out of his chest. He sat there sobbing feeling alone more than ever and so lost. He got a hold of his emotions enough to call an ambulance, they came with the police to fill out papers and answer any questions. The funeral was small with a few of his dad work friends, his uncle Owen and a cousin on his moms side who was close to Gary showing up. After saying thank you to everyone showing up Finn went back to the house, it felt cold and soulless now without his dads presences. He goes to get a beer to drink and sit in the lounge in the dark as tears fall down his face, the next few days he just stays in bed sleeping most of the day away barely finding the energy to get up to get food or use the toilet. He’s walking down a dark corridor, a door partially opened with a sliver of light escaping from under it. He tries to reach it but he look’s down to see his feet stepping into cement making it hard to move, than he hears his dad’s voice beyond the door and he tries again to get to the door to his da but now the cement is set and he’s trapped just mere inches to the door. He yells out “DA”, a hand closed over his mouth as he sees his mum now in front of him crying. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a needle in someones hand and than the cold menacing smile as the hand plunges the needled into his heart._

_“NOOOO”Finn wakes up sobbing, he gets out of bed and runs to the bathroom throwing up in the toilet. He sees the time its just half past three, he gets dressed and walks downstairs to get a beer. He drinks bottle after bottle, he than decides to get his leather jacket and go visit his nan taking another beer with him to drink on the way. He walked the high street in the late afternoon light, he thinks he hears a familiar laugh hers, the one that haunts his soul. He turns to see no one there and continues walking to the cemetery._

 

“I miss da Nan, I’m so tired of drifting I’m just tried” More hot tears fell down his face as he starts to get up but he looses his balance and falls, he hears glass breaking than looks down seeing that his hand on top of the broken beer bottle in the moonlight. He removes it than sees that some of the broken glass has sliced his wrist and cut the palm of his hand opened. He sits there watching as the blood flows slowly onto the snow

“Uh fuck” Finn goes to hold his wrist to try and stop the bleeding and tries to move but finds he so tried and slumps to the ground and closes his eyes. He’s surrounded by white light that feels warm and safe, he looks around and sees a familiar smile, the one he’s long to see for almost ten years now.

“Nan is that you? ” Finn squinted at the bright light surrounding the person in front of him

“Yes Finn its me” his Nan sat next to him on the ground he was sitting on.

“Where are we?” Finn looked at his Nan she looked like she did before she got sick.

“It doesn’t matter but you need to go back sweetheart” His nan said in a warm voice that made Finn feel whole again.

“Why, I don’t want to go back”

“You have to Finn this is not your time” His Nan took hold of his hand like she did when he was little and scared.

“There’s nothing for me there, everyone I love is here now”

“That’s not true Finn there are people that love you back there still” His nan smiled at him again looking at him softly.

“ I miss you and da” his Nan wiped away a tear from his face.

“I know dear but it will be ok, you’re going to be ok. Now wake up”

 

Finn opened his eyes, he was laying in a hospital bed with his hand and wrist bandaged up. He saw in the corner of the room someone he hadn’t seen in years reading a book and laughing at something he just read.

“Danny” Danny looked up and smiled closing his book, he got up and walked to Finn putting his book on the side table.

“Hiya Finn how’s it going its been a while”

“Yeah I know, um what you doing here?” Finn looked confused.

“I volunteer here at the hospital from time to time, um I’m sorry about ya dad I saw in the paper the obituary” Danny looked at Finn with sympathy.

“Thanks Danny what happened do you know”

“Yeah well a worker at the cemetery was doing his night rounds and found you, I here it was touch and go but you got lucky they found you in time”

“I guess I was” Finn could only remember feeling a warm light.

“Um Finn I got some duties to finish but I’ll come back latter to visit more but if only if ya want me to” Danny asked nervously.

“That be great Danny I’d like that”

“Great see ya latter Finn” Danny left the room as Finn saw he left his book.

“Hay Danny your book” Finn picked up the book and was shocked at what he saw, it had a picture of Rae on the back cover and he turned it over to read the title “ My Mad Fat Diary”, he looked at the information on it. It described that the diary in this book took place from when she got out of the hospital to the end of her first year of collage.

“I knew ya would do well girl” Finn out of curiosity started to read it, he noticed names were changed but knew who she was referring to. For the first time he felt like he got look into her mind, seeing all the things she held back, seeing how much he did help her and seeing where he failed her. It was the therapy entries that interested him the most, seeing how it seemed to help her. The one entry of her therapist telling her to soothe herself like you would a small child made him think of how his nan did that and how much it helped him. He continued to read it until Danny came back. He was released from the hospital a few days latter, after it was found that it was a drunken accident and that he wasn’t in any danger of harming himself again. Finn had quit his job and closed out his savings moving back into his childhood home.

He bounced his left leg nervously as he was waiting for the doctor to come into the room he wasn’t completely sure about this decision but he was also tired of running and it was about time to do something about it. He really wanted a cigarette to calm his nerves, he got up walking to the window to look out on the snowing day when the doctor finally came into the room. She was an older woman that looked about late fifties, a button down shirt and dress trousers, she had her hair put in a bun and a warm smile on her face.

“Hello Finn, my name is doctor Fran Ankebrant. So what brings you to seek therapy today” Doctor Ankebrant asked warmly.

“Um an old Friend of mine encouraged me and I’m needing help” Finn smiled as Raes book came to his mind and Archie‘s words about asking for help when life gets to be too much.

“Well Finn lets begin” Finn sat down taking a breath, feeling like he was finally drifting toward something that he found a north start to finally guide him to land, a path to tread.


	4. Driffting part four

He puts his bag down by the door making sure he has everything he’s going to need for his trip to Cardiff in the morning. Finn takes a calming breath concentrating on breathing in and out slowly just like his therapist taught him when his nerves start getting the better of him. The same questions go through his mind about this trip will this cousin have the answers he needs? Will he find her? Will it leave more questions than answers? He goes into the kitchen to make some tea, his Nan’s voice echoes in his head “tea makes everything alright Finney“. Remembering the words comforts him as he puts the kettle on the burner than gets a cup down from the cabinet. He places a tea bag in the cup than looks at the clock and grabs another just in case Archie wants one seeing he would be there in the next twenty minutes. He’s waiting for the kettle to whistle when his mobile phone buzzes in his pocket, he pulls it out answering it, he gets news he’s been hoping to hear for a couple months now. The whistle of the kettle went off just as Finn hung up now thinking about the interview and the demo he has to make for it. He took the kettle and poured the scalding hot liquid into his cup and waited for the tea to brew as he put the kettle down. There was a knock on the door just when Finn was about to take a sip, he put down his cup and went to the front door. He opened it with huge grin on his face seeing his friend and practically a brother on the other side, they embrace tightly in greeting. They let go as Archie walked into the house, they sat drinking there tea at the table as Finn reflected on how much a year can change things in a life.

 

_It had been three months into his therapy and with the help of Danny and doctor Ankebrant who gave him the encouragement he needed to reach out to his best mate, he had sent out an email. Finn had to admit sending the email had been difficult, he still hated himself for how he let his friendship go but it was a very emotional therapy session that made him realize he was looking for an excuse to push Archie away. That his need to forget Rae was so much and move forward made it hard to have a reminder of his past around in the form of his best mate. It was also when he started a dream journal that his therapist asked him to keep after telling her about his recurring nightmares. The things she said about the dreams had explained so much to him, he really had thought he dealt with his feelings about Rae and what happened to them but after that session it became apparent he had fooled himself._

**_“Finn I’d like for you to also keep a dream journal and keep it by your bed. Don’t get out of bed just grab it and write it down, we forget about fifty percent of our dreams the moment our feet touch the floor. Dreams our are brains way of possessing the days events but also tells you that there’s something you haven’t dealt with in your life. Which leads to recurring dreams that you’ve been having these last few years now. Obviously the ones with your ex and this other girl shows you haven’t dealt with your feelings about it, something that were going to have to start talking about. The other one were going to have to dig deeper to figure out what it means and what happened in your past to cause it” Doctor Ankebrant looked at a fidgeting Finn seeing that these dreams were bothersome for him._ **

**_“Ok” Finn said still highly emotional from the session and he nervously pulled at a loose thread on the bottom hem of his shirt. He was so in need of a cigarette but had to wait until after his session because of the rules of the hospital. Well what he still thought of as the hospital his Nan stayed in ten years ago but now it was the psychiatric hospital ever since ninety-eight when the town of Stamford finished building the new hospital._ **

**_“Well I’ll see you next week Finn you’ll have to tell me how it goes contacting Archie. I know you have trepidation's about it but from what you said about him I think he’ll forgive you but you have to reach out to know for sure. This is just one of many steps in dealing with your past, to find out what is holding you back so you can move forward ” Finns therapist gave him a reassuring smile._ **

**_“I hope so doc” Finn had a sad watery smile on his face than blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall once again._ **

_Finn went to check his new laptop he got, something Danny encouraged him to get, showing him this new social media thing called Facebook and to expect a friend request. Finn had no clue what he was on about but signed up for an account although he was hardly on there preferring emails to communicate. It was three days since he sent the email and was starting to worry that too much time had passed but when he checked there it was, Archie’s name. He finally worked up the courage to click on it and see what it said._

25, May, 2006

Hi Finn,

Its been a long time and to be honest it has killed me that I haven’t seen my best mate in five years, only getting news from your dad on what’s been happening in your life and it hurt. Look I have a lot of things I want to say but in person, I live in London now but I would love to come up to Stamford this coming weekend to talk if its good with you? Let me know please.

Archie

_Finn was relived for a moment that Archie didn’t tell him to sod off but was nervous all over again at the prospect of seeing his best mate in person but realized he wanted too and missed him over the years._

25 , May, 2006

Hey Archie,

Yeah this weekend is perfect for coming up. Let me know when and where and all that. I have missed you Archer.

Finn

_Finn hit send and after twenty minutes got a reply from Archie, they set up a time to meet Saturday with Archie staying overnight. The next day went by slowly, Finn was back working at the garage that him and chop worked in. Finn found it hard to work there as memories of Rae and the gang haunted him but it was something he was working on with his therapist. He got done from work early and went home to clean up and get the house ready for Archie the next day. In the early evening Finn went to the grocers to get a few things for the weekend. He decided to stop by the graves of his Nan and dad, on his way he got a couple of bouquets of flowers to take to the cemetery. He walked to the tombstones, every step he took was emotionally agonizing as his heart felt heavy with sorrow. When he got closer he noticed two bouquets of flowers that someone put down on each tombstone, he put his down as he tried to think of who would do that. The only name he could think of was Danny’s, he smiled at his friends kindness of doing that. For the last three months Danny had been a good mate to talk to, its been one of the things Finn realized he’s been needing. He made a mental note to thank Danny, after talking to his Nan and dad about his therapy and Archie’s visit the next day he made his way to the grocers than after made his way home._

_He made his way to the spare room still not wanting to sleep in his old room, it felt to burdensome with the past. He took off his shirt and jeans than grabbed some clean boxers and headed to the bathroom for a shower, he got into bed and looked over to his Nan’s journals. Taking a deep breath he took the one off the top and opened it, the journal was one from when his mum left and his Nan moved in for those first few months._

**_15, July 1986_ **

**_Today has been eventful for sure, I move into my son-in-laws house today much to my Finney’s delight and I took him to the park to play. He seemed to enjoy it even made a friend with a little raven haired girl in a swim costume they seemed quite taken with each other. We went to a little tea shop afterwards and had a nice chat, he mentioned he wanted to be on the radio after his dad took him to one in Leeds that was giving out a tour to kids but when he mentioned my daughter and where his mum went to nearly broke me heart, how do you explain something like this to a little seven year old. That his mum needed help, that she’s sick and went to the hospital for it. Oh no Finney is screaming I’ll write back._ **

**_16, July, 1986_ **

**_Today me and Gary took Finney to the pool to swim, he had such a good time splashing around with his dad and that girl he met the other day was even there. We had a picnic around noon my poor Finney didn’t want to get out of the pool but we managed to get him out telling him we would be back after for a little longer. That seemed to appease him but I can’t blame him he was having so much fun with the little girl and I was the same way when I was young you couldn’t get me out of the pool. Well after an exhausting day we came home for tea of course Finney fell asleep two seconds after we started the car. He and I played some records of mine that I brought with me and some of his dads in the lounge. We listened to The Beetles, The Who, some Status Quo of Gary’s and The Smiths(not a bad band I like them and this Morrissey fellow I like his voice). Finney danced to the music for a bit, I only wished I could have half of his energy I could use it. At bed time I read my Finney a story before he drifted to sleep but it wasn’t more than thirty minutes later that he woke up screaming from a nightmare. It was that same one from the night before of his mum and a scary man. Gary and I calmed him down until he went back to sleep. I asked Gary how long had this been going on he said for a few weeks but have now gotten worse after his mum left._ **

_Finn felt tears fall down his face as he read more of he Nan’s journals, amazed that he may have met Rae when he was younger after all but more intrigued by the fact that he had that nightmare when he was younger. He went back to reading and came across an entry that really caught his attention._

**_22, September, 1986_ **

**_Oh my poor Finney I’m not sure what I and Gary are going to tell him about his mum that she ran off with someone in her therapy group last Friday . A mother is supposed to know when her child is in trouble right? At lest I feel like I should have. The last visit felt off but I never imagined this would have happened._ **

**_30, September, 1986_ **

**_Its been a very busy eight days. I’m finally finding time to write to you journal, well we told Finney that his mum isn’t coming back as genital as we could although we didn’t go into the details about her illness and the like we figure when he’s older we would tell him what happened. I’m worried for everyone but mostly for my Finney he doesn’t talk as much now saying he’s safe if he’s quite. I have no idea what it all means, I tell him that he is safe that its ok for him to talk. His mate Archie came over the other day and that seemed to help Finney and his dad thinks we should give it time maybe the shock of his mum leaving will subside although I don’t know I think we should have him see someone but if it gets worse I’m taking him to a doctor._ **

_As he read more he found out that his nightmare slowly stopped as the weeks went by, something dawned on him as he remembers having a couple of nightmares when he was up in Leeds when Rae broke up with him the first time, he never thought about it until now. Finn was confused by what he read about this illness what his dad said about his mum being sick. He couldn’t figure it out, than for a moment he saw himself in a little room being hidden and his mum to his right shaking but smiling at him, he herd her voice echo in his head “shh you’ll be safe here just be quite so mummy can get her medicine I‘ll be back just try and be quite”. Finn had no recollection of that ever happening, he shook his head and put his Nan’s journal on the table besides his bed still disturbed by the memory and made a mental note to bring it up with his therapist before going to sleep. He gets up at about ten in the morning, getting out of bed he dresses and makes his way down to the kitchen to make tea and cereal for breakfast being not in the mood to cook anything. After he cleans up his bowl and spoon Finn takes out the journal he got the night before at the grocers, he writes down the memory from last night and than takes it upstairs in the spare room than taking a breath went into his old room to get it set up for Archie. He put on clean sheets and new duvet than checks the room for anything else and notices he needs to dust, after dusting he left the room to go down to the lounge to wait for his friend turning on the television for background noise and to distract him from his nerves. There’s a knock at the door thirty minutes latter and Finn turns off the television and takes a moment to breath deeply to gather his thoughts before going to answer the door._

_“Hi Finn, you look like crap” Archie joked but did notice Finn looked a little worn around the edges._

_“Oh piss off” Finn laughed as he let his best mate in the house closing the door behind them, they walked to the lounge and sat on the sofa._

_“So um I‘m sorry about your dad” Archie looked at Finn sympathetically than hugged him tightly as Finn broke down and cried letting out the emotions that still filled him. They stayed that way until Finn calmed down and wiped away his tears thankful his friend didn’t appear to hate him._

_“I miss him Arch and I hate the amount of time I lost with him because of me stubbornness” The regret was evident in his eyes and voice as he looked off at a picture of him and his dad on shelf by the sofa._

_“What happened Finn for you to loose time” Archie knew Finns dad passed away from the email Finn sent him but it didn’t go into any details beyond that._

_“We had a fight, I was drunk a bit and words were said we didn’t mean. I was hurt by what he said and couldn’t bring meself to talk to him. It wasn’t until a few months ago when I got a call from hospital that we started talking again”_

_“I’m happy you got the chance to talk to him again before…well” Archie let his voice trail off not sure of what else to say. Finn blinked back the tears and smiled at his friend._

_“Yeah me too it could have been worse. Its why I needed to reach out to ya mate I didn’t want another day to go by without fixing us. I-I was scared though thinking you’d tell me to piss off to be honest” Finn started bouncing his right leg nervously._

_“I told ya Finn I wasn’t giving up on our friendship, were like family and I wasn’t going to give up on my family. I’m not gonna lie it fucking hurt that you pushed me away but I saw you were hurting. Looking back I knew I should have chosen my words more carefully” Archie lightly sighed looking regretful than looked down, Finn patted him on the back lightly._

_“Hey you were looking out for meh I just wasn’t ready to here what you had to say and honestly I-I …” Finn took a deep breath and took a moment to find his words before going on. “ I’m sorry I pushed you away it was hard for me, still is. I wanted to forget Rae and the past so much but you were like a reminder of my failure with Rae and that’s something I’m dealing with in therapy”_

_“I’m happy that your working on that, you know Rae wants to talk to you and the gang and I think you need too”_

_“I need to work out a little more shit in me head Archer, I’m not ready and I know its daft…” Finn frustratingly sighed at not being able to explain his feelings properly._

_“Finn I think I get it, your working on one thing at a time and its not daft. Just know they want to talk” Archie give Finn the reassuring smile he needed at the time showing that he wasn’t judging his friend. Archie felt Finn did need a little more therapy to help him maybe he could learn to forgive himself and see Rae had a hand to play in there brake up that it wasn’t all on him, he really wished he would talk to Rae._

_“Thanks for understandin’. Um I’ve also been havin’ these nightmares with Rae in them but also these ones that are I don’t know darker something to do with me mum I think and I was wondering do you remember me having any bad dreams right after me mum left?”_

_“Um I think one time when you stayed at mine for a sleepover, why?” Archie looked at Finn thoughtfully trying to remember anymore times Finn had nightmares but nothing came to mind just that one time._

_“I found out that I’ve had them before when I was younger but thay went away slowly when me Nan moved in” Finn furrowed his brows in thought as Archie looked at him in concern._

_“Have you told tour therapist?”_

_“Yeah, I’m keeping a dream journal like she asked so we could figure out what the one nightmare means, the ones with Rae are obvious” Finn grimaced at the mention of those dreams with Rae._

_“What do you think it means?”_

_“No idea except its something to do with me mum” Finn rubbed at the side of his head as if it might lead to answers._

_“You know what we need to do Finn” Archie looked at Finn with a big smile on his face._

_“No what?” Finn looked amused_

_“We need to go kick the football around its been a long time since we’ve done that and gives us a brake” Archie pushed up his glasses raising his brows for a response from Finn._

_“That’s sounds good although I’m a bit out o’shape” Finn huffed out a chuckle._

_“That’s ok it just means uncle Archie here will be able to beat you that much more easier” Archie laughed as Finn chuckled._

_“I still cant believe your still calling yourself that its still so weird”_

_“Well I’ll admit it was when I was a teen but ever since Chop and Iz had their son a year ago I’ve been an honorary one” Archie saw the look of sadness in Finn’s eyes and regretted saying that forgetting that Finns missed so much._

_“So when did they get married?” Finn asked genuinely happy for his friends but just regretted the time lost with them all._

_“Early in ‘04’, they got married in London and there living there now”_

_“Wow I never really thought Chop would leave Stamford”_

_“Me too but there happy and Izzy has her own little fashion boutique, chop owns a small garage that’s doing well”_

_“That’s great I’m happy for them. Lets go kick that football around” Finn shook his head at the fact Chop lives in London now._

_“Sure” They both got up and walked out back, Finn found the football in the garden shed and aired it up a bit. They played a few rounds most of the morning and stopped to eat lunch, Archie told Finn about his boyfriend Chris and how they met at a history lecture the year before. Archie talked about Chloe living in Scotland owning her own florist shop._

_“A florist Chloe, wow what made her decided that?”_

_“She took a class on flower arrangement and loved it so much she took courses in floristry. She finished her business courses feeling it would help her in owning her own shop. Of course you know Rae is a published author, the gang is so happy for her” Archie smiled but there was something in his eyes that showed he was holding back something and it wasn’t lost on Finn._

_“Sounds like everyone is doing well. Um is Rae happy?” Finn hoped she was its all he ever wanted for her after being through so much in her life._

_“Um yeah she’s… happy, she’s doing well” Archie smiled nodding his head_

_“What are you not telling me archer?”_

_“Some things your gonna have to talk to Rae about mate” Archie had smirked but the playfulness of it didn’t reach his eyes that had a hint of sadness to them._

_“I guess I’ll be waiting a little longer than but for now its good to know she’s happy” Finn got up to take his empty plate and cup to the sink with Archie doing the same. The two of them spent the rest of the day talking about football, Archie’s new job working in the British Museum in the archives department, Finn saw the passion in his best mates eyes and wished he had a passion like that for his job instead of not knowing what to do with his life. Their time seemed to fly and before Finn knew it Archie was heading back to London, Finn promised to email and friend him on Facebook._

_Monday afternoon Finn drove to his therapy appointment, he parked his car and walked into the building that always felt emotional with the memories of his Nan being sick and the day he came to support Rae after her mother had her sister. He knocked on his therapists door and waited for the ok to come in._

_“Come in Finn” Finn entered the room and sat down on the chair he sat at every session, he looked as his doctor got up from her desk to sit on the chair opposite him. The room was nice sized and bright with books on a built-in book shelve behind him, windows to his left with a small fireplace between the them and a little sofa on his right. There was a nice picture of Buster Keaton behind his therapist that he liked it reminded him of his Nan’s love of old nineteen twenties silent films._

_“So how was your week Finn?” Doctor Ankebrant looked at Finn with warm smile, she placed her folder and note pad on her crossed legs putting her hands on top._

_“It was pretty much the same get up, go to me job ,work, than go home. The only good thing though was seeing Archie again and caching up with what was happening with his life. He got this great job that he’s passionate about well apparently the whole gang seems to have jobs they like, luck them ”Finn mumbled the last few words but his therapist caught it._

_“you seem not very passionate about your job?”_

_“It’s just a job that pays the bills and I know It could be worse I could be out of a job right” Finn smiled small and shrugged._

_“Yes this is true it could be worse you could be out of a job and that’s a good way to see it although I disagree about it being just a job. Finn what you do is very important you provide a service that helps people keep there cars working, helps families get to work, school, life saving doctor appointments and so on.” Finn looked at his therapist thoughtfully._

_“I never thought of it that way before I guess it makes sense. I’m just not happy in doing it, like I was in scaffolding”_

_“That’s fine to feel that way a lot of people don’t like there jobs and a lot of people feel that there stuck in them. Its hard to find something you love and make a career out of it but it is possible, its just a scary step for some to make a change . Finn I would like you to write down a list of things your good at even if you think its not worthy you put it down on the list.”_

_“Ok but I’m not good at much it will be a short list” Finn huffed as he looked out the window._

_“I’ll think you’ll be surprised Finn at what you will find. So I guess the rest of the visit went well and not as bad as you feared” Doctor Ankebrant smiled warmly at Finn as she opened her notepad._

_“Yeah it did he basically told me he was hurt that I pushed him away but that were always friends. I told him what I was feeling and why I pushed him away. He said I should talk to Rae and the gang”_

_“I think you should too the question is do you feel ready?”_

_“No I told Archie as much he seemed to understand” Finn had a sense of surprise in his voice._

_“You seem so surprised he’s understanding” Doctor Ankebrant clicked her pen and to took notes._

_“He shouldn’t be understanding, he should be hating me” Finn started biting his cuticles in his thumb that his therapist took note of._

_“Why do you want him to hate you?”_

_“Because I hate meself for hurting him and pushing him away all this time” Finn winced when he bit his cuticle to hard and it started bleeding._

_“You know Finn people go to extremes to avoid there problems. For you pushing all your friends away to avoid your feelings about what happened with Rae was your way of doing that”_

_“I guess I need to stop then uh!”_

_“Yes but I’ll be here to help you through this one step at a time. So I want to talk about why you feel you’re not good enough. you’ve said you weren’t good enough in school, good enough for Rae and your friend Archie in the last session and just a few moments ago saying you weren’t good at anything. Finn when did you start feeling this way?” Finn looked at his therapist thoughtfully trying to think back to when these feelings started._

_“ I don’t know I guess um…” Finn trailed off as he herd his mothers voice telling him she was going away for a while and him asking why? he could be better? saying he can be quite more, please don’t go and seeing the distraught look in his mothers eyes as she shook her head crying than got into a cab leaving him. Finn didn’t realize he was crying until a tear fell down his face._

_“Finn are you ok do you want to stop for a minute?” Doctor Ankebrant looked concerned hoping she didn’t push to hard to soon._

_“Um I just remembered the day me mum left I-I asked if I wasn’t good enough that I could be quit more. Its strange I’ve never remembered what I said before just her getting into a cab and than da holding me” Finn bit on another cuticle of his right index finger._

_“Finn has anybody asked you if you felt that your mum left because of something you did?”_

_“No but I do feel like I did something to mess up and cause her to leave like I did with Rae” he said the last part so quietly that doctor Ankebrant almost didn’t quit catch it but made a note of his statement to bring up latter, as some ides formed in her head._

_“Finn I want you to know there’s nothing you did to make your mum leave or do to make her stay what she did was no refection on you”_

_“I um read one of me Nan’s journals and it talked about me mum having an illness than leaving with someone in her group therapy than I had a memory of my mum hiding me telling me to be quiet and I’ll be safe and I don’t remember that happening until I read the journal” Finn sniffed back tears._

_“It sounds like you had a recovered memory triggered by reading the journal has it happened before or is this the first time?” Doctor Ankebrant made a quick note of this new information._

_“Yeah this was the first tim…wait no I had I think another one when I was being chased by that drug dealer in Leeds. Me mum telling me to be quite and I’ll be safe or something like that. What dose this mean Doc?” Finn furrowed his brows in worry as he taped his fingers nervously on his now bouncing leg craving a cigarette._

_“I think it means you have to deal with something that happened to you and its connected with your mum. Have you ever considering finding her?”_

_“At times yeah um but not much after she came back that short time when me Nan was sick than passed. Its like she couldn’t be bothered to stay” Finn bitterly spat out than bit another cuticle on his left middle finger._

_“ Finn when did you start biting your cuticles like that? you seem to always do it when your nervous or angry as you are right now” Doctor Ankebrant leaned over to her left grabbing something on the table close by._

_“I guess since me mum left off and on since than” Finn put his hand down self-consciously as he noticed the dried blood on the cuticle of one finger and the bleeding one he just put down._

_“Put this elastic band around your wrist and snapped it whenever you feel like biting your cuticles. I think you must have developed this as a copping technique to deal with your mum leaving and as we work out your feelings with your mum you shouldn’t need it after” Finns therapist handed the elastic band over to Finn who took it and put it on his wrist._

_“Ok um after reading those journals I think I do want to find me mum although I’m not sure where to start but I can’t get what me da said about me mum being sick and thinking about what he didn’t get a chance to tell me out of me head” Finn wiped away a tear thinking of his dad._

_“Well if you know of any relatives on your mums family I say that would be good place to start. Um birth and death records is another good place to look up” Doctor Ankebrant looked at the clock to see there was only five minutes left in the session._

_“Finn I want you to tell yourself that you are good enough as a personal mantra until you start believing in it yourself”_

_“I’ll feel silly doin’ it but ok I try it” Finn put his thumb to his mouth out of habit but than snapped the elastic band lightly when he saw it on his wrist._

_“Ok I will see you next week unless you want to talk about anything else we do have thirty extra minutes as you know” Doctor Ankebrant always made sure there was thirty minutes between her appointments in case there were days she made progress with patents and needed the extra time to continue to talk._

_“Uh I got to get to work see ya next week doc”_

_“See you next week Finn” she smiled warmly as she closed her folder and got up and put it in the cabinet pulling out another folder for her next appointment, Finn made his way out back to his car and work feeling a bit lighter as he seemed to always feel after sessions._

 

Finn was working on his computer with his sound mixing program on it working on part of his portfolio for the small recording studio in London that called to ask for an interview. Archie knocked on the door and Finn motioned for him to come in as he saved his work and shut down his computer putting it away in his laptop bag. Archie sat on Finns bed and they started talking about the route to Cardiff in the morning.

“So nervous about tomorrow mate?” Archie and Finn were laying on their sides facing each other on the bed topping and tailing with there heads propped up with their arms just like when they were kids.

“Yeah a bit Arch, tomorrow I might finally be able to solve this mystery of me mum” Finn gave Archie a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes as they held worry and a hint of fear.

“What else is bothering you? I see it in your eyes”

“Just scared that I might not find any answers just more questions. A part of me want to hate her so much for leaving me I was her son but a bigger part of me wants to just see her again because I miss her so much Archer” Finns voice cracked as the tears fell down his face, Archie moved to lay next to him and held his friend soothingly as Finn let go more of his feelings he’s been bottling up for years.

“Finn you ok?” Archie whispered in Finns ear, Finn nodded his head and pulled away wiping away his tears.

“yeah, sorry ’bout that” Finn apologetically smiled at Archie pointing to his now wet shirt.

“Hey don’t worry about it its ok” Archie smiled warmly at Finn happy that he’s sharing his feelings about his mum.

“Archie thank you for coming with me tomorrow, taking time out to do it”

“Finn this is what mates are for to lean on for support when you need it or when life gets to be too much you can’t figure it out on your own. Right we need sleep we leave early tomorrow” Archie sits up about to make his way off the bed to go back to his room when Finn grabs his arm to stop him.

“Archie can you stay please” Archie nodded his head yes and moved to the position he was in before on the bed.

“Try not to kick your stinky feet in my face” Archie joked as Finn put on mock outraged look on his face.

“Oi I do not its you with the stinky feet” Finn grabbed his pillow and hits Archie right in the face.

“Oh you did not” Archie took his hitting Finn in the face and just like that they were like kids again pillow fighting. It lasted a few minutes when Finn called truce and they settled down to get sleep for their journey ahead.

 

_Finn started on his list that his therapist wanted him to do and Like he suspected all he had was fixing cars, scaffolding and football although he was out of practice from the amount he struggled when playing with Archie on Saturday. He sat down at the computer to email Archie figuring it couldn’t hurt asking him what he was good at. A couple of days latter he changed the calendar to the new month looking at the date June first, next to August the month his Nan died this was also a hard month for him to get through with feelings of melancholy plaguing him especially the nineteenth, the night he last saw all of the gang together and Rae. The dreams were also there worst on the that date. He checked the computer and found an email from Archie and opened it._

1, June, 2006

Hiya Finn

Sorry it took a bit to write but the last couple of days were busy in the museum. Yeah the trip back was pretty uneventful but ok. So mate what you’re good at well music for one, the mixed tapes that you made were like art, they told a story Finn. I always thought you would do something in music. You know its never too late. You’re a good friend, you accepted me when I came out when you could have stopped being one and I know the last few years have been rough on you. You’re a good listener I think that’s something you got from your Nan. I think it’s a good idea that you try and find your mum if you ever need help you know where to find me. Didn’t get to say it when I was visiting but I’m happy you reached out I really did miss you. Got to go have some errands to do um I attached a photo of the gang last year when Iz had the baby. Hey I’ve got some time off next month if you want to come down to London I can show you around just let me know.

Archie

_Finn clicked on the attachment, Chop and Izzy’s son was adorable and inherited iz’s ginger hair but Finn could swear he had chops mischievous grin. It was good to see the gang even if in only a photograph, as he looked he saw the wedding ring on Rae's finger and his heart fell into his stomach. Its not like he didn’t know she was getting married but seeing the ring just made it real for him but deep down he was happy for her. This would be one more thing to talk about in therapy Finn mused he turned off the computer and got ready for work. He got a call latter that day from the hospital to tell him his therapist had to cancel his Monday appointment due to an family emergency and was rescheduled for the twelfth of June but he was given the number of another therapist to talk to if he needed help. He got home and headed to the kitchen to make some tea and figure out something to eat, as he reached for a cup in the upper cabinet it slipped out of his hand and shattering on the floor._

_“Shit” Finn swear out, as he sighed he walked to the little closet with the cleaning supplies looking for the broom and dust pan. He found the broom gone than remembered it was in the storage room by the kitchen , he went into the room turning on the light to his left looking around it when he stubbed his toe on crate._

_“OWW” Finn yelled out. He looked down to see some records, he found himself reaching down for one and picked up his dads Never too late Status Quo album. He took it to the lounge taking great care pulling out the vinyl record putting it on the turntable than took a deep breath before putting needle on vinyl. He turned up the volume as the familiar sound started pouring out of the speakers and he felt like he was seven again._

_One by one he takes more of his dads albums out to the lounge, the cup forgotten as he felt like his soul was being nourished after being starved for so long, he comes upon his own and slowly put on a Smiths Album and as the sweet sound of Morrissey’s voice reverberates through the speakers Finn feels like the passion for music has taken hold in him once again. After the last note fades Finn thinks on what Archie said in his email that its not too late to find a way to work with music. He felt ready to take another step and took out his computer getting on the internet, he searched for careers in music. After looking for a few minutes he came upon an apprenticeship for sound mixing in Lincoln, Finn looked up more information and wrote down the number to call in the morning. It was late but he decided to make a mixed tape as a sample of what he could do hoping what Archie said was right about his mixed tapes being like some sort of art. He got to sleep at three in the morning after a quick meal, he woke up at eight in the morning making his way to the phone to call the number. He was in luck the man name Robert was willing to listen to what he could do that day. He drove the hour to Lincoln with his mixed tape and before he new it he was putting in his tape in the cassette player and Robert took a listen. Finn was nervously snapping the elastic band softly on his wrist as he waited for the guy to tell him what he thought._

_“Well you got a natural talent here so… ok I’ll take you on. So I’m gonna give ya one month to learn the soundboard. Than we’ll see what ya can do than and if is any thing like that mixed tape of yours your gonna do well I think. So this is gonna be a commitment I’m goin’ to need you here in the studio four days a week for seven hours this first month there’s lots to learn here think ya up for it?” Robert a middle aged man with long graying hair tied back in a ponytail wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt smiled warmly at Finn who looked like a kid in a toy shop._

_“Yeah me boss wont care if I go part time. Can we stat now?” Finn had an eager tone in his voice, his soul felt alive for the first time in years._

_“yeah, I like you eager ones you kids are fun to teach. lets go.” Robert chuckled as he took Finn to the studio to the soundboard. They spent the rest of the day going over the basics and Robert was impressed at how a quick learner Finn was. Finn spent the next week in a half working at the garage part time that his boss was very understating about Finn wanting to do and driving to Lincoln to learn sound mixing. He called in to talk to his therapist on the twelfth to let her know what was happening with him but kept it short so he would have more time for learning. He emailed Archie about it and how exited he is about doing this, Archie wrote how proud he was of him and of finding something he loved._

_He was in the studio weaving a complex story in music when in the corner of his eyes he saw Rae smiling with a proud look in her eyes sitting next to him. She gets up walking out the door as Finn calls her name than he hears his name being said and the cold chills it send down his spine as he turns to see Katie smirking at him “ Finn give up your not good enough” Katie methodically cackles “You weren’t smart in school your not smart for this” Katie laughs coldly than slaps her hand on the glass partition shattering it. Finn sits up from the nightmare panting in a cold sweet, he looks at the clock as it read four in the morning. He quickly writes down the dream in the journal and gets out of bed. Finn lights a cigarette and heads down to the kitchen knowing he wont go back to sleep anytime soon, to make tea, he takes a drag exhaling the plum of smoke as he waits for the kettle to boil. He’s sitting at the table drinking his tea his cigarette long since finished, he looks at the calendar noticing the date, the nineteenth. He makes himself breakfast than cleans up after getting ready for the day. He sat on the chair a bit reserved as he waited for his doctor to say something._

_“So how has this apprenticeship been going you seemed very excited about it over the phone” Doctor Ankebrant opened her notebook as she smiled warmly at Finn._

_“Yeah so far its going good Robert said I’m a quick study and brilliant at it” Finn nervously rubbed at the back of his ear as the dream still bothered him. Doctor Ankebrant quickly picked up on Finns mood._

_“Finn what’s wrong?”_

_“I had another dream about Rae and her” Finn acidly spit out that last word showing the contempt he had for Katie._

_“What was the dream about?”_

_“Rae was smiling at meh in the studio than left and Katie showed up tellin’ me to give up that I’m not smart enough. Are these dreams ever gonna stop” Finns voice broke as his voice wavers slightly. Doctor Ankebrant wrote down a couple of notes._

_“In time as we move forward in therapy they should. So you said in a session that today is a hard day for you, you said it’s the last day you saw Rae and your friends all together. That your relationship with Rae ended that night so lets talk about it some more”_

_“No that is when it officially ended. I think when I called her mental…” Finn took a shaky gulp of air. “is when it ended and letting her down in the process but the death blow was that fucking kiss that I never wanted” Finn sniffed blinking back the tears threatening to fall._

_“So go through it with me tell me what led up to you saying what you did, how the kiss happened and how you were feeling” Finn took a calming breath as his therapist looked at him encouragingly._

_“I felt I was losing her but I was feeling that since we got back together almost eighteen months prior. And when she lied about getting into Bristol I knew it was the beginning of the end for us…” Finn took another breath to gather his thoughts as doctor Ankebrant gave him the time to find his words. “ I had called a brake and lookin’ back it came out as an ultimatum because as usual I say things the wrong way, I just wanted to give her time to think. At the hospital she hid her hand, she said she wanted to talk but was afraid to do it alone which was why she was bringing the gang. It made no sense to me and deep down I felt something was wrong but I didn’t say anything, I failed to ask her why she lied” Finn struggled to keep his emotions in check as he took a couple of harsh breaths._

_“Finn you don’t have to keep the emotions in, let them out your safe here” Finn let his tears flow as doctor Ankebrant reached over with tissue and patted him on his hand encouraging him to go on._

_“At the pup the gang was taking the piss on her about the accident and she ran out and I ran after her. I wanted to talk I told her I wanted her back that I loved her but she pushed me away told me she didn’t deserve my love. I told her it wasn’t true than out of frustration as she walked away I asked why she was acting mental…” Finn let out sob as the hatred for himself bubbled to the surface. “The hurt look on her face haunts me to this day, I went back to the pup and there Katie was looking all concerned and I missed the signs that she wanted more than just to talk with the way she looked at me, touched me. I’m usually good at spotting that…” Finn screwed up his face in anger as himself._

_“Finn when your not aware your going to miss things and you were hurting and mad at yourself for saying something out of frustration and anger at being pushed away. I’m thinking not for the first time. We all have said things in anger we didn’t mean but you have to learn to forgive yourself for those times and try and fix what you can, it always matters what you do after. So what happened next?” Doctor Ankebrant wrote down some notes to bring up latter._

_“Hard to forgive myself when she hasn’t” Finn wiped at his tears angrily._

_“How do you know she hasn’t its been a few years now, have you ever contacted her or her you?”_

_“Once she contacted me but I told her not to contact me again” Finn bit his lip sliding it between his teeth than absentmindedly started to put his thumb to his mouth but caught it and snapped the elastic band lightly on his wrist instead._

_“Why?”_

_“I was trying to move forward no…” Finn shook his head pressing his lips tightly together furrowing his brows trying to hold it together.“ I didn’t want to go through it again I didn’t want to become friends and ending up falling her again”_

_“What makes you think that you would again?”_

_“Because I’m not good enough”_

_“Finn you are good enough you made a mistake, You said you failed to ask her why she lied. It sounds like she made some mistakes too. So what happened after the pup?”_

_“I was drunk a bit and Arch took me home but Katie said something about needing a ride, car was acting up, probably a lie. Arch gave her a ride dropping me at mine first and because of that she found where I lived. Next day she came by it was like she was everywhere or something. I stupidly let her in she was so concerned about Rae like me or so I thought. We sat on the sofa talking about Rae, I fuckin’ don’t know why I opened up to her it should have been arch I should have talked to. She started saying that maybe I could do better that I deserve better like her, I told her to fuck off and get out. I fucked up by not throwing her out, I went to me room to get something off my side table by me bed and when I turned around she was there and kissed me and I was shocked for a bit and than pushed her away telling her I love Rae and get the fuck out. She tried to kiss meh again but I stopped her that time. Than Rae showed up and found Katie sitting on the bed than I saw Rae’s hand when she tried to get out” Finn closed his tear-filled eyes as he took a breath feeling like someone punched him in the gut as he relived those few days in his head._

_“Finn you said you kissed Katie” Doctor Ankebrant emphasized the word you as she looked at Finn than took a couple of notes._

_“That’s what I said I did, yeah” Finn looked down at his bouncing knee not really wanting to remember it again._

_“So you kissed her back?”_

_“No I pushed her away, doc what ya trying to get at? I kissed Katie end of” Finn was starting to get agitated._

_“Finn its about consent, Katie kissed you when you didn’t want her to” Doctor Ankebrant furrowed her brows in concern._

_“The kiss still happened though doesn’t matter who kissed who” Finn was looking down worryingly biting his lower lip._

_“Yes it does Finn it matters who kissed who. You said that you cheated on Rae when clearly you didn’t so why didn’t you tell Rae the truth? ”_

_“don’t Know” Finn crossed his arms slumping in his chair looking away as he taped his toe in agitation ._

_“I don’t understand Finn by telling her what really happened you and Rae could have worked it out. You said you loved her why did you lie to her about this”_

_“BECAUSE I FAILED HER! AFTER I SAW HER HAND I KNEW SHE WAS STRUGGLING AND I HADN'T BEEN THERE FOR HER! SO I DEICED I NEEDED TO PUSH HER AWAY, she deserved someone better. I hate myself because I ended up hurting her to do it. I even went to her levers ball hoping that after I told her she would tell me to fuck off I wanted her to hate me as much as I did” Finn voice cracked with the self-hate and guilt that he’s bottled up for years._

_“But she didn’t tell you that did she” Doctor Ankebrant reached over to hold Finns hand which made Finn look at her with his watery eyes._

_“No just some crap about we’d be ok, we don’t have to be always an us, that saying there might be a someday for us but than said she wouldn’t need me if things went wrong. Didn’t sound like someone who even wanted to stay Friends. She told me that we were at a party we went in and a I played my part of happy boyfriend I felt I owed her. I was relived though”_

_“Why were you relived Finn?”_

_“Because I was free of the consent worry of wondering when we would be over when our time would be up” Finn sighed raggedly._

_“Finn…” there was a knock on the door. Doctor Ankebrant leaned back in her chair and looked at the time seeing that they went over the extra thirty minutes._

_“Come In” a young woman popped her head in through the door._

_“Doctor your next appointment is here”_

_“Five minutes please, Ann” Ann nodded her head and left. “Ok Finn were going to have to Finnish this next week but I can tell you what I think, that Katie sounds like she had stalker tendency’s and followed you possibly Rae too, she took advantage of a situation, it wasn’t your fault. We need to find out why you felt that you had to be perfect for Rae because it sound like to me that you put pressure on yourself to be. We got to find out why. You made progress by admitting you were pushing Rae away that’s a start. So see you next week” Doctor Ankebrant gave him a caring look as Finn got up._

_“Thanks doc see you next week” Finn left for home thinking about what the doctor said._

 

Finn lays in his bed unable to sleep anymore anxious about seeing this cousin he only ever saw the one time at his dads funeral, he gets up quietly to not disturb Archie next to him and goes downstairs to get some tea. He’s in the middle of tea when he jumps at the hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry mate didn’t mean to scare ya what ya doing up?”

“Just couldn’t sleep” Finn sighs than takes a drink of his tea as Archie drinks his.

“Still worried?”

“No I mean yeah I am but um I was thinking about talking to Rae go to her book sighing next month” Finn took another sip of tea.

“About damn time Mate she’s been wanting to talk to you for years now” Archie smiled at his Friend as he took a drink of his tea.

“I know I just haven’t been ready but I’m ready to move forward and to do that I need to talk to her” Finn said wistfully. Archie smiled at Finn than patted his back.

“Well we might as well pack the car up Finn seeing that its close to time for us to leave”

“Yeah guess so, off to find answers” Finn whispered the last bit to himself hoping there will be. They paced up and started the three hour trip to Cardiff. They listened to mixed cds that Finn made for the trip, Archie drove the first hour in a half while Finn finished his work on the computer than Finn took over for the rest off the trip.

 

_Finn had gone to the bowling ally to hang out with Danny one night who owned half of the place and told him about his sound mixing apprenticeship and how therapy was going. Danny was exited about how Finn was doing and told him therapy was along process for him but worth it and opened up about Tixy that Finn knew exactly how he felt. They talked about old times with the gang that Finn was finding a littler easier to talk about now but still tugged at his heart a bit. Danny as usual encouraged Finn to reach out to the gang even if only one by one. Finn had thanked him for putting flowers on the graves of his Nan and dad but Danny told him he didn’t, that it had to have be someone else. Finn had no idea who it could be but figured it must have been some nice stranger putting Flowers on random graves maybe, he put it out of his mind and after saying goodbye to Danny left for home._

_“Ok Finn I want to play a quick word association you ready for that”_

_“Sure” Finn bounced his leg nervously as the last session had been emotional for him._

_“ Sport” “Football”_   
_“Dog” “Pet”_   
_“Music” “Record”_   
_“Child” “Young”_   
_“Man” “Da”_   
_“Woman” “Leaving” Finn stopped bouncing his knee at that._

_“That’s an increasing word association do you think its because your mum left or do you feel that way about all women in general?” Doctor Ankebrant looked at Finn as ideas formed in her head._

_“I-I guess all women not just me mum” Finn crossed his arms and slumped in his chair._

_“Your ex didn’t leave, you left her what happened there?”_

_“She cheated on me for a year I found out four or five weeks before we had it out and left. Although I suspected for a long time but I just ignored it I guess figuring it was just me imagination. It doesn’t matter though she was nightmare anyways” Finn huffed out a laugh nervously than snapped his elastic band softly._

_“Why did you stay so long ?”_

_“I don’t know lonely I guess” Finn got up walking to the window looking out at the grounds blow watching the leaves dance in the wind._

_“So you stayed in a bad marriage for four years that you worked tirelessly to provide this woman the lifestyle she wanted. Than stayed another month or so after your suspicions were confirmed because you were lonely are you sure you didn’t love her?”_

_“NO I didn’t but I deserved it” Finn blurted out_

_“Finn no one deserves to be in a loveless marriage or a bad one at that” Doctor Ankebrant got up to stand next to Finn._

_“Well maybe I wanted to punish myself for what I…” Finn stopped before he revealed what he felt deep down._

_“Punish yourself for what Finn?”_

_“For Failing Rae when she was struggling” Finn lamented, his voice wavered as he took shaky breaths.Doctor Ankebrant put a comforting hand on his shoulder for support._

_“Finn you didn’t deserve to do that to yourself, you didn’t deserve to punished yourself for mistakes you made when you were nineteen”_

_“She hurt her hand and I said nothin’ ” Finn hit his fist on the wall to his left, letting out a sob as the guilt plagued him._

_“Finn stop, why didn’t you say anything” Doctor Ankabrant said soothingly_

_“Because I was sacred I wasn’t goin’ be enough to help her through this. I should have been there for her and I can’t seem to forgive myself for not knowing what to do when I should have” Finn berated himself._

_“Finn you were young and from what I understand from past sessions you always felt Rae kept things from you in your relationship. How are you suppose to know anything if your not communicating with each other. You didn’t tell her about the flat and she lied to you about Bristol I would say the foundation of your relationship was shaky from the beginning”_

_“Your right, I should have told Rae about the flat. After me ex got that house and how she sprung it on me… I did the exact same thing to Rae. All I wanted was her to be proud of me to show her I was worthy” Finn walked to the chair and sat down just drained._

_“Why do you think your not?”_

_“Cause I’m not smart like Rae I dropped out of collage because I was no good at it. Rae is brilliant and was meant for the world and I’m a failure but I still wanted her to stay in my life ” Finn looked down as he mumbled his last few words but doctor Ankebrant still heard it._

_“You are smart Finn just because you don’t have the book smarts you think you need to be smart doesn’t make you unworthy, a failure at life. You say that Robert thinks you’re brilliant at the soundboard what does that tell you?” doctor Ankebrant said soothingly_

_“That I’m good at something and not as stupid as I think I am” Finn said hesitantly._

_“Yes! Now keep telling yourself that because its true and you need to start believing it. Finn Rae wasn’t any better than you and you need to realize that she made mistakes you both did nether one of you are perfect. The lack of communication was what ended your relationship because it led you to make those mistakes”_

_“Are you saying that I put her on some sort of pedestal” Finn was shocked at the realization._

_“Yes I think you did and no one deserves to be on one” Finn took that in and wished he saw it sooner._

_“Do you think that because your mum left and even your Nan is the reason you felt that there was a time limit on your relationship with Rae as you said in the last session you were relived you didn’t need to worried about anymore?”_

_“I guess, yeah I knew I’d loose her”_

_“Finn we all lose loved ones sometimes not by choice like your nan and dad and friends along the way that is life but you have to make an effort to stay in some ones life, to keep in touch too. Your making the effort now with Archie, no one said you had to let go of people that are special to you because your lives move on in different directions”_

_“What are you feeling right now Finn” Doctor Ankebrant asked after a few minutes of silence._

_“I guess lighter a bit maybe that I’ve been to hard on myself but I still can’t forgive meself” Finn slid his bottom lip between his teeth lost in thought._

_“That comes in time Finn”_

 

The Drive to Cardiff had gone by fast with the music and the joking around between the old friends.

They got into the city and drove to the address that Finn was given, after parking the car in the driveway Finn and Archie walked to the door and knocked. A woman in her late forties with long Brunette hair answered the door with a warm smile.

“Please sit down and have some tea” The woman motioned for the two men to sit.

“Thanks Suzanne” Finn nervously poured some tea in his cup than Archie poured one for himself giving Finn a reassuring smile that seemed to help calm him.

“So Finn what do you want to know?” Suzanne saw the nervousness of her cousin and got to the point.

“Do you know where me mum is at?” Finn asked sounding almost child like in tone.

“Yes she’s been here in Cardiff for the last three years getting better she’s had difficulties in life” Suzanne looked at Finn thoughtfully as her eyes told a story of hardship.

“Was I one of those difficulties is that why she left me” Finn voice cracked in the fear that it was true.

“No, in fact her leaving was the best thing she did for you”

“What how is that good ?” Finn said incredulously as Archie put a hand on Finns shoulder for support and to calm him.

“She had problems Finn and they were hurting you” all of his Nan’s journal entries, dreams and recovered memories raced to his mind.

“What problems?”

“You have to talk to our mum about that would you like to meet her today”

“Yes when?” Finns heart was beating like a humming bird at the thought he may get answers and closure.

“I’ll call her right now and as soon as she tells me the time” Suzanne called and talked to Finns mum for a few minutes while Archie kept Finn calm. Finn was to meet his mum at the park nearby the house Suzanne lived at. He went alone and sat on a bench waiting to see his mum in more than eleven years since seeing her at his Nan’s funeral.

 

_The next few sessions were more of the same emotional building up, Finn realizing he was good for Rae but made the mistakes of keeping up with her in fear he would be left behind by Rae much like he felt with his mum. Coming to terms with his mistakes one by one and finally understating they don’t define him. He went to visit Archie for a few days in July during his time off from the museum. Archie showed him around the city and where he worked, he met Chris who he had a lot in common with. The time want by to fast as usual to Finn but Archie and him made plans to see each other regularly every month. The next few months went by, Finn gained confidence little by little, his dreams lessened in frequency, he excelled in sound mixing and Robert started teaching him advanced techniques keeping Finn busy. Finn was finding it hard to find information on his mum even with the internet he found a last known number but it had been disconnected. He was about to give when around the holidays he got a Christmas card from a cousin in Cardiff. It dawned on him that she was a relative on his mum side and may have information, he realized he had been so distracted at his dads funeral that he forgot most of the people who showed up. He sent a letter soon after but as the days went into weeks he thought the letter got lost in the post and sent another. Still no answer after a week and Finn didn’t know what to do he just felt angry that this cousin was ignoring him. He poured his energy into his studies to keep his mind off it and figured he would have to go back to square one. Robert called around to get people to see Finn for interviews, a few people were interested saying they would call back. One day in mid April a letter came in the post it was from a woman named Suzanne, she apologized for not returning a response sooner but she had been on a work assignment for that last three in half months in the states. She had said she needed to leave again in for a couple of weeks for another assignment but said that they could meet up in early may when she came back. Finn had called the number enclosed to set up a time to go to Cardiff. He called Archie with the news and asked if he would tag along to which Archie agreed._

 

“Finn” A small hesitant voice asked as Finn looked at his mum, she looked to be in her late sixties but was in her late fifties, she was slight in build and had the same brown eyes he had.

“Mum” Finn had the same hesitation in his voice. She sat down next to him looking just as nervous as he was.

“I’m sorry its been a long time Finn” Finns mum said apologetically as she kept her tears at bay.

“why did ya leave mum?” Finn asked quietly getting to the point.

“Because I needed to Finn…” She took a breath trying to find the words she needed “ I was in a car accident when you were five and I got addicted to pain pills and when the doctor stopped prescribing them to me I found other ways to get them” Finns mum crossed her arms around herself as she looked at Finn with regret.

“Mum no one told me da said you were sick and Nan’s journals said you had an illness not an addiction”

“Finn it is an illness and I’ve been sick a long time in and out of rehabs and therapies. I finally found one that worked for me, I’ve been sober for three years, a recovering addict” Finn put his hand on top of is mums feeling compassion for her.

“Where you still using when you came back when Nan got sick?”

“Yeah your dad found me taking some pill at me mums funeral and we fought he was wanting me to get help and I just left, just one of many regrets Finn” Tears ran down her face, Finn squeezed her hand as sympathy fill his heart for his mum.

“I’ve had dreams and memories mum where you hide me telling me to be quite so you can get your medicine and some man with needles can you tell me what that is about?” Finns voice come out shaky as he fears what his mum will tell him.

“Oh Finn that’s why I needed to go, I took you with me maybe four time or so when I couldn’t get some one to watch after you to get my drugs. I put you in a room to keep you safe and from seeing too much. One day I couldn’t pay the full amount and the guy I was getting the drug off of said If I did something for him he would give them to me I said no but you herd me crying and you came to me to see what was the matter. One of his friends grabbed you, you were threatened and I did what I did to keep you safe. It was than I knew I couldn’t be a good mum to you so I left. I’m so sorry i wasn’t a better mum I should have tried harder” Finns mum sobbed as the regret ate at her for falling so miserably. Finn held her her tightly in his arms feeling only love for his mum.

“Mum you did try, the best thing you did was try and get help. I don’t think you were a bad mum not like I did when I was younger. I didn’t know the truth. I know now I‘m proud of you mum, could we try and keep in touch I really want you in me life” Finn looked hopefully at his mum but a small fear that she would say no worried the back of his mind.

“Yes I would love that more that anything” Finns mum tearfully smiled at her son. They talked for ages catching up on what was happening in there lives, Finn talked about Rae and his plans to see her the next month. His mum wished him luck and hoped it would work out. Finn walked her to her therapy appointment with plans to meet back at Suzanne’s for a late lunch. Finn drove home with Archie the next day after a tearfully farewell with his mum and exchanging of numbers . Finn felt like he was finally walking toward a future he could look forward to that he had finally stopped drifting in life. He was ready to take the first step into this new future and to do that he needed to reach out to the gang and Rae.


	5. Drifting part Five

  
The last month had gone by in a rush, his interview went well and a few days later he had been offered the job at a small recording studio in London mostly working with inidy bands. He had accepted right away and stared looking into selling the house although he had mixed feelings about selling his childhood home he felt it was time. He and Archie celebrated the news in London one weekend with Chris, Archie offered to help him find flats in the city that a grateful Finn accepted. Finn sent an email to Rae after arch told him her email address, telling her he would be around for her book signing and that he was ready to talk. She sent back a reply saying she was happy to hear from him and agreed they had a lot to talk about. Finn stood last in the queue holding his copy of My Mad Fat Diary nervously behind a woman waiting to get her book signed. He was still felling good about meeting the gang two nights ago minus Rae due to a book signing in London, but now waiting to see Rae after almost nine yeas was making him anxious. He tried his breathing exercises to relax and went back to meeting the gang in his mind finding it helped calm him.

 

_Finn nervously takes a breath as his hand wraps around the handle to the green doors of the swan, he opens it walking in to see the gang at there usual table. Archie looks up and motions for Finn to sit next to him as he walks over to his old friends._

_“Alright guys” Finn says nervously as he sat down in the well worn wooden chair. He looks around seeing Archie smiling and Chop raising his glass in acknowledgment as he gives him a tight lipped smile. Chloe and Izzy sat next to each other with small smiles on there faces._

_“So where the hell have you been?” Chop raised his eyebrows as he took a sip of his pint not beating around the bush._

_“Living in the past and punishing meself for it” Finn said quietly as Chloe played with a beer mat furrowing her brows at him, Archie rotated his half drunk pint glass, Chop nodded while running his tongue over the bottom of his lip, and Izzy looked at Finn strait in the eye with question forming on her lips._

_“So have ya stopped than” Izzy asked with sympathy in her eyes with the rest of the gang feeling the same. Finn nodded giving her a small smile as she got up walking around to him giving him a much needed hug._

_“Whoa congratulations Iz how far along are you?” Finn looked at chop smiling happy for his two friends._

_“Nine months I could pop at any moment now” Izzy cheerfully giggled that made Finn realize just how much he has missed his friends._

_“ Sorry I’ve missed so much ya guys” Finn looked at hi friends regretfully as Archie gave his shoulder a squeeze._

_“Its ok Finn what matters is you’re here now and Archie’s been filling us in about stuff” Chloe said with understanding that Finn was surprised to hear._

_“I figure ya guys would be more angrier with me for what I did” The gang looked at one another avoiding eye contact with Finn._

_“ok ya not telling me something what is?”_

_“Rae made us promise not to say anything Finn um you’ve got to talk to her about it’ Izzy shrugged looking apologetically at Finn but was really wanting to tell him what she knew wanting answers herself._

_“Ok well guess I’ll find out at her book singing when I go to it” Finn got up to get a pint of beer and wondering what Rae knew. Archie stood next to him putting in another order for himself._

_“So nervous about seeing Rae?”_

_“Not gonna lie a bit but its long over due” Finn paid for his pint and Archie’s who gave him a grateful smile and promised to buy the next one. They walked over to the table and sat down._

_“So Chloe how’s being a florist and all?” Finn asked as he took a sip of his pint._

_“Its great I love it especially when I do floral arrangements for weddings because I get to be creative” Chloe passionately described the other details of her job with a sparkle in her eyes._

_“Sounds great Chloe and what about you two” Finn cocks his head to chop and Izzy._

_“Well my shop is doing well and I hired someone to take my place when I go on maternity leave although I’ll still be popping in from time to time to check up” Izzy sipped her water as she looked to chop._

_“I’m thinking of opening up another garage and starting chain of them”Chop looked away dreamily as the rest of the gang smiled at him._

_“So anybody going to Rae book singing besides me?”_

_“ I’ll be there before they let people in for a bit but mum and I have plans” Chloe reagrefuly said wishing that she could be there to spend more time with Rae she only got to see her so often._

_“Iz and I are staying at me mums just in case the baby decides to show up mums house is only a few minutes away” Chop took a sip of beer as Izzy rubbed her belly absentmindedly._

_“I would but got to spend time with family at reunion on dads side sorry mate” Archie shrugged taking a sip of his pint._

_“Well I see it will just be me and Rae than oh well her husband to, it will be good to finally meet him” Finn smiled than took a sip of his pint but noticed the glum looks of the gang,_

_“What’s going on” Finn said slowly as he looked to Archie._

_“I guess I’ll tell you Finn” Izzy looked sadly at Finn as she proceeded to tell him about the news of Rae’s husband that broke Finn heart for Rae._

 

He held onto the book with a white knuckle grip as he was going over in his mind what he planed to say to her. He took a calming breath and watched her push some of her raven hair back behind her ear. Her red sundress she wore contrasted beautifully with her pale skin, caressing her curves. She held herself with an air of confidence that made Finn happy to see Rae have. After all this time Rae was still breathtaking and Finn almost found it hard to breath. The woman, a short curvy blond with a sweet smile and kind looking sapphire eyes moved to the table.

“Hi, whom do you want me to make this out to?” Rae opened the book while giving the women a warm smile not noticing Finn, she turned to the cover page pen in hand ready to sign.

“Annie please, I just love your book Miss Earl and it has really been inspirational to me. It’s helped me to be kinder to myself and helped me seek therapy to work on my issues of feeling like a burden to my family and opening up to them about it” Annie started tearing up with the emotions string in her, Rae signed the book and got up to give Annie a hug.

“I’m really happy to hear its helped you Annie. Your defiantly not a burden always remember that, it took me a while to see that myself” Rae said warmly, wiping away a tear as Annie gathered up her book.

“Thank you it was so nice to meet you. Hope you have a good evening”

“It was very nice to meet you too and you have a good evening as well” Rae sat down as Finn came to the table handing her his copy of her book, Rae grabbed her pen and opened the book to the cove page ready to sign it.

“To whom would you like me to make this out to?”

“Finn Nelson” Rae greeted him with a big smile as Finns warm deep voice invoked memories of days spent lost in music tangled up in each others limbs, the sent of Ckone lingering on her pillow like a memory, the freedom of riding on his scooter in long ago hot summer days with a bit of heartache and regret mixed in.

“Finn, I was wondering when you were going to show” Rae softly said getting up to hug him, they hugged tightly feeling like it was old times. They broke apart, Rae noticed Finn had a shorter hair cut, wearing dark washed jeans and a white button up dress shirt with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He had a hint of gray near his temples, the beginnings of lines at the corner of his eyes and his forehead with light frown lines becoming prominent but the smile on his face softened his futures. Rae saw that despite looking older than his twenty-eight years he was still hansom as ever with the same kind chestnut eyes.

“Its good to see ya Rae” Finn smiled as he rubbed the back of his neck looking at her.

“Yeah you too Finn. Guess we should go talk than”

“Um I can wait if your not quite done”

“Well you’re that last one in the queue plus the library is closing up” Rae smiled as she started gathering her things. Finn looks around letting out a humorous chuckle.

“So where do ya want to go to talk?”

“Well I need to make a couple of stops first but maybe my hotel suite its got a lounge we could talk in?”

“Yeah sounds good” They got into Rae’s Car and drove through town stopping at a flower shop, Rae bought three bouquets of flowers. They listened to a mixed cd Rae made of some favorite songs and current music. They stopped on the side of the rode getting out in front of the cemetery, Rea taking the flowers with her. Rae and Finn walked to a gravestone and Rae placed a bouquet down in front of it. Finn stood a little off to the side giving her time to visit.

“Hiya Tix sorry its been a while been busy with book signings and all. I miss you every day, guess what! I’m here with Finn were finally going to be talking so wish us luck…” Rae huffed a laugh as she pushed some hair behind her ear. “Well we got to go but I’ll visit tomorrow a little longer and tell ya how it all went. Goodbye Fatty” Rae wiped away a tear then turned to smile at Finn, they made there way through the graveyard than Rae had stopped at two familiar gravestones as a realization struck Finn.

“It was you” Rae looked at Finn in confusion than put the flowers down in front of both gravestones.

“What?”

“Putting the flowers on the graves of me da and Nan” Finn looked at Rae teary eyed than quickly blinked the tears away.

“I do every time I pass through Stamford which isn’t as much as I would like since mum and Karim moved closer to London to be near me a couple years back. I’m sorry about your dad I really wanted to be there for his funeral to say goodbye but I was on holiday with my family in Australia”

“Thank you” Finn whispered quietly as he looked at the graves, Rae took Finns hands in support, they both felt a familiar warmth go trough them at the contact.

“I miss having teas with your dad, he was very kind Finn” Rae voice had note of sadness in it as she looked at the headstone of Gary.

“Why did ya have teas with me da? I mean you didn’t have to that” Finn said softly still not understanding what made Rae do that.

“Because he seemed lonely Finn in that big house, it kept you in me life in way. I really needed to talk to you its long over due. I needed answers to something” Rae looked at Finn with a stoic expression.

“ What’s the question?” Finn looked into Rae’s eyes.

“I know you didn’t kiss Katie like you said you did and I wanted to know why you said it?” Rae let go of Finns hand blinking back tears.

“How did you-”

“Find out. I got it from the vipers mouth herself the day I left uni to start my gap year”

“I didn’t know you left uni, of course I wasn’t really asking Archie much about you either” Finn looked back down to his nans grave hoping in some way she could give him strength.

“I know Archer filled me in on things and looking back I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me”

“Why did ya leave?” Finn furrowed his eyebrows

“I left uni because I couldn’t handle it…” Rae started to tear up as she took a breath to keep calm. “ my façade I put on for everyone finally broke one night and I decided to leave, the day I did she had to appear”

 

_“That’s the last bag Chlo” Rae said in a huff as she looked at Bristol university one last time, she closed the boot of Chloe’s car and started to make her way around to the passenger side when a voice stopped her dead in her tracks. She had done well to avoid the bitch but apparently today wasn’t going to go her way._

_“Rae where ya going?” Katie asked in a overly concerned voice that made Rae Roll her eyes and clench her teeth. Rae turned around looking at her with venom in her eyes._

_“Why Katie not busy trying to seduce other girls boyfriends into kissing you” Rae said with acid in her voice as she clenched and unclenched her fist._

_“I told you Rae what happened with me and Finn hardly amounted to anything and what do mean kissing me” Katie furrowed her eyebrows in confusion._

_“Oh pleases don’t act all innocent Finn told me he kissed you” Katie huffed out a laugh as she shook her head that made Rae want to throw her under a bus, get in it and run her down a few times._

_“Wow he really must have wanted to get rid of you Rae. I only wished he kissed me”_

_“What Game are you fucking playing at Katie” Rae was getting annoyed the more this went on and was tried of it._

_“I kissed him and he pushed me away after a couple of seconds saying he loved you and to get out, didn’t he tell you that” Katie crossed her arms in front of her roiling her eyes._

_“What! No. why would he say that he did?” Rae asked herself rhetorically looking at Chloe with a pained expression on her face but deep down knowing that she didn’t exactly give him a chance to say anything._

_“Probably because you kept putting your burdens on him, I told you Rae you inflict pain on everyone and Finn and your mates are too nice to say anything” Katie said in a manner like she was telling Rae some sage advise. Chloe looked murderously at Katie while something inside Rae snapped and in an instant Rae had Katie by the collar and slammed her up against the side of the car hard and with a hard cold stare to match as she looked at Katie._

_“You don’t know me or anything about me mates you fucking cunt. I am the fucking glue and I somehow forgot that. SO FUCK OFF Katie and stay out of me life” Rae pulled Katie and shoved her up against the car again before letting go of her not even noticing the people looking in their direction. Katie rubbed her shoulder and walked off looking at Rae as if she lost her mind and a little frightened as well._

_“Rae you ok ?” Chloe walked around the car to put a hand on her shoulder in concern still shocked at what her friend did and said._

_“I don’t know Chlo I jus-I just need to get out of here and see a guy with glasses to tell me where Finn is” Rae bit her lip worryingly trying to make sense in her mind what was going on._

_“You sure Rae?” Chloe pursed her lips furrowing her eyebrows with concern in her eyes._

_“I’m not sure of anything Chloe that’s the problem. I just need some answers from Finn” Chloe nodded and they both got in the car back to Stamford_.

 

“I can’t believe she said that to you. Who the hell is she to tell you what the gang thinks, she didn’t know us” Finn was angry at Katie for making Rae think her friends thought she cased them pain.

“I don’t know but I let her words get to me before I left for uni, I swear it was like Liam all over again only this time I believed it.” Rae rolled her eyes in annoyance at her younger self. They started to make there way out of the cemetery back to the car.

“Rae you said your façade broke one night did you…: Finn took a breath as his heart raced at what he wanted to ask. “did you um hur-”

“Hurt myself…I almost did but something stopped me” Rae stopped walking and turned to Finn who also stopped walking to look at her.

“What stopped you?” Finn felt a bit relived to hear she didn’t do anything bad.

“You” Rae smiled lopsidedly at Finn.

“I don’t understand how?”

“Your letter ” Rae smiled at Finn.

 

_She took a deep breath as she crossed the campus to get to her dorm room, she kept telling herself just a little bit more and she would be ok in her room. It had been a rough day with too many assignments and deadlines looming. Already she was panicking that she wouldn’t be able to get it all done and it was only her second week at uni. That first day had been chaotic for her a whirlwind of introductions and unpacking trying to get a sense of things. She couldn’t understand why it was already this hard to navigate her life in uni and why she was struggling to figurer it out on her own. She kept telling herself she would though she has to do it on her own now, kept telling herself she was fine like she’s been telling herself for the last couple of months or so since June. She held her books close to her like a shield protecting her from what ever comes her way, she walked through the opened door that somebody held open for her to the lift up to her floor. She breaths a sigh of relief the moment she enters her room and closes her door. She put her books on the tiny desk in her small room that would feel claustrophobic to anyone but strangely Rae found comforting. She goes and turns on and off her lights in divisions of eight than counted her cds something that sometimes gave her a sense of comfort at home but she was finding it not enough here at uni. She sat at her desk laying out her books and notepads, just looking at them trying to mentally prepare herself, telling herself she has to do well to make her mum proud and not to disappoint her Friends but mostly trying not to think about Finn. There was a knock on the door._

_“Come in”_

_“Hey Rae do you want to come to the pub with Steve and me?” Rae’s roommate said cheerily._

_“Uhm no thank you Julie I got to get started on this assignment and have a few chapters to read for my class maybe next time though thanks” Rae smiled small as she gestured at her books and papers._

_“Rae it can wait a few hours come on it will be fun” Julie walked into the room and sat on Rae’s bed._

_“I would love too really but I really just want to get a head start on this assignment sorry” Rae just wanted to be left alone she needed to get this done and try to hold it together for another day._

_“ I don’t understand you Rae, you don’t seem to want to have fun its kinda weird. Your missing out” Julie just shook her head and bounded out the door. Rae got up to close it, locking it than took a breath, she sat down at her chair to begin her assignment. She was rereading the same line for about five minutes unable to concentrate. She kept telling herself to just get it done, to keep going but she kept looking at the calendar to see that Chloe was due to come visit that coming weekend and had to fugue out a excuse to keep her from coming she had way to much to do, at lest that’s what her mind told her. Her mined kept telling her she needed to succeed, she was the first in the family to go to uni after all. That she didn’t need her friends in Stamford that she was ok without them and prove to them she was not there burden anymore, no longer the voodoo doll inflicting pain on them._

_“You can do this Rae just concentrate” Rae whispered to herself._

_“Come on Rae your ok you had a setback your ok now” Rae kept repeating the mantra in her mind that’s she been telling herself since June over and over again. Rae decided to take a break and write in her diary, she pulled the desk draw opened and pulled it out. She saw it, the glint of reflective light from the little pocket knife that some one drooped in her room on that hectic first day of introductions. She was meaning to find the owner but forgot about it as her studies felt like they were getting on top of her. She picked it up turning it in her hand, she opened it and felt a strange relief at the sight of the sharp blade. She told herself just a little cut won’t hurt and it will be enough, she gets up to pull her leggings down and off than sits back down putting blade to flesh, she holds it there taking a breath before pressing it into her skin than notices something peeking out from her old diary in the drawer. She puts the knife on the desktop and pulls out the paper reading it. **“Dear may”, “ I wanted to say I’m sorry for leaving like I did”, “the gang wasn’t the gang until you sprayed Rae all over it”, “ you’re the glue”, “ latters Finn”** she reads the letter again and again until she starts sobbing holding the letter to her heart as Finns voice echoes in her mind “ **its because your** **strong”.** She tosses the knife in the trash and closing her eyes as she soothes herself like a small child. She realizes what she needs to do now and that’s to leave Bristol._

 

“So I talked to someone in administration about taking a gap year the next day and called Chloe to come and get me. Her parents weren’t to happy about me staying for a few days but Chlo was pretty pervasive” Rae chuckled as she pushed some hair back behind her ear.

“I figured you would have thrown all my letters out and any other stuff of mine” Finn rubbed back behind his neck looking down than looked at Rae through his lashes.

“I packed it all up and gave it to Archer, didn’t have the heart to throw it out but I guess I missed that letter and I’m glad I did. I don’t think I would have stopped and it could have been worse Finn” Rae’s voice broke as a tear fell down her face that Finn gently wiped away.

“Rae why did ya feel like you needed to do it all alone why didn’t you talk to anyone?”

“That’s what Danny sorta said when I met the gang a few days after I left uni when Archie was back in town”

 

_“Hiya guys” Rae sat down while looking at her mates that she asked to meet at the swan. She found herself comforted by all the old and new band poster on the wall surrounding them, the stale smell of beer and cigarette smoke that would surely cling to her hair and clothes by the end of the night, the feel of the worn wood beneath her fingers as she placed her hand flat on the table, the sounds of people chatting and for once the decent music in the back ground. Chloe put her hand on Rae’s giving her a squeeze for support._

_“What’s going on Rae?” Izzy asked in a worried tone as Chop put her arm around her with his own look of concern on his face. Archie and Danny looking the same._

_“I just want to tell you that I’m not at Bristol anymore I’m taking a gap year” Rae let out a sigh as she looked at her mates hoping they wouldn’t be disappointed with her._

_“Why Rae?” Archie took Rae’s other hand as worry filled his eyes._

_“I almost had another relapse, it became too much for me. I tried so hard to deal with it on my own” Rae screwed up her face to keep from crying than blinked back the tears._

_“Rae why did you think that you had to do it all on your own? That kind of thinking holds ya back we learned that in therapy Remember” Danny looked at Rae sportively as the rest of the gang looked at each other with more worry mixed with a bit of fear now in their eyes._

_“ Danny I haven’t been in the best mind set lately ever since June”_

_“Wasn’t kester helping ya?” Danny furrowed his brows questioningly._

_“Not really Danny he was fried in April and he’d been pressuring me to end therapy because of it. Saying I could handle uni and I owe it meself to go. Even said me hurting myself was a setback” Rae had a tinge of bitterness in her voice thinking about those sessions with Kester._

_“Doesn’t sound like kester at all to me lying to you like that. He didn’t teach you any new techniques to help or even ask if you wanted to go? And setback he should have known better that it wasn’t, that you were relapsing” Danny was starting to get angry on Rae’s behalf._

_“No he didn’t, it would have been nice though. I would have told him I didn’t feel ready to go after I unbelievably I got in. Yeah Danny he should have known better” Rae swallowed a limp of emotions in her throat not wanting to waste tears on her old therapist._

_“The hospital didn’t even let you Know?” Archie asked incredulously saying what the rest of the gang thought._

_“Oh they did …a few days before I left for uni. Saying as they were moving the hospital to the new location there had been a clerical error I was put on backlog or something like that . I was honestly like tell me something I don’t know…” Rae said sarcastically. “ It would have been helpful to know this before, I could have gotten a different therapist to really help me” Rae felt a tear fall down her face then wiped it away as Chloe put her arm around Rae for support._

_“Rae why didn’t you tell us this before?” Izzy looked at Rae with hurt and tears glistening in her eyes._

_“Because I let Katie’s poisonous words affect me I always thought I was a fuck up and a burden to all of you and me family. I listened to her tell me that I inflict pain on all of you, burdening you and her tell me that you were all to nice to tell me that. Same thing with Finn too, I got it into me head I needed to get out of your way, that’s why I went to uni felt I had to not because I wanted”_

_“Why the fuck did you listen to that cow and not ask us what we think?” Chop had hated Katie before but now he was absolutely furious at the bitch._

_“Because Chop I have a bad habit of listening to people I don’t know and don’t know me instead of the people that do” Rae looked at the gang giving them all a sad small smile, her eyes linger for a moment on the empty chair and felt the small sharp tug on her heart._

_“Rae we always have come to you with our problems. You don’t think of us as burdens do you?” Izzy pressed her lips together rising her eyebrows waiting for Rae to respond._

_“No I don’t” Rae shook her head shocked that Izzy would ask that._

_“Good than don’t think you are to us when you have problems, Rae your not a burden to us GOT IT!” Izzy said sternly while raising her eyebrows for emphasis._

_“Got it Iz” Rae smiled as Izzy smiled nodding curtly and got up walking around the table to give Rae a hug that Rae returned. Soon the whole gang was giving her a group hug. They sat back down after a good long hug and Rae felt like she could burst with the support her friends were giving her._

_“Rae I want to say something” Chop cleared his throat._

_“What is it chop?”_

_“I know I asked you why you left the pup that one day after ya test at collage but looking back I realize we weren’t that supportive of friends to you when we should have been and I think I can speak for all of us when I say sorry about that” Chop and the rest of the gang nodded in agreement._

_“Guys I wasn’t exactly letting you be supportive by lying to all of ya and how I was feeling. Than I spewed my usual bullshit so you wouldn’t worry about me and think I was a burden to all of ya and I’m sorry about that. I promise I‘m going to be more open with all of you”_

  
“So I told them I was going back to therapy to help me figure out if I wanted to go to uni or not, even what Katie told me about you. It was a good evening Finn the only thing missing was you…” Rae choked back her tears. “ I begged Archer to tell me where you were, how to contact you, he told me that you were hurting that he felt you were putting all the blame on yourself for us ending. He said to give you a bit of time and that he would try and get you to talk to me” Rae and Finn started walking out of the cemetery to her car. Finn now understood why the gang weren’t so mad at him at the pup when he met up with them.

“Yeah he tried but I told him I didn’t want to talk about ya, really I was just running. He was right I was hurting and blamed myself for falling ya, for all of it” Finn gave Rae a sad smile as she grabbed his hand to stop him aging.

“Finn it wasn’t all on you I have some blame in all of this too. I made big mistakes Finn cause I wasn’t handling anything” Rae looked at him earnestly hating once again that Finn felt like this.

“Kester should have helped ya” Finn said feeling angry at Rae’s old therapist as they started walking out of the gates and got into Rae’s car making there way to her hotel suite.

“But he didn’t. I ran into him though in my last year of uni and we talked, I got answers ” Rae stated the car and drove off.

  
_Rae stood in the queue to get her morning coffee before going to class in an hour. She finally got to the counter and told the barista her order than moved to the side to wait for it, she didn’t notice the familiar face next to her because if she did she would have turned the other way out the door to get coffee elsewhere._

_“Rae” Kester’s voice broke Rae’s concentration on her revising in her head for her test, she looked over at her former therapist with annoyance._

_“Kester” Rae said in a curt tone her jaw clenched trying not to be angry not wanting to cause a scene._

_“Rae could we talk please?” Kester shifted his weight not quite looking in Rae’s eyes giving her a tight lipped smile._

_“Not really up to talking Kester” Rae pursed her lips and squinted her eyes in coldness at kester, she paid for her coffee and made her way out with Kester following after her._

_“Rae please we need to talk” Kester said desperately, the pleading in his eyes made Rae sigh as she shook her head closing her eyes than opening them again. He was the last person she wanted to talk to after his failings with her._

_“You have ten minutes” Rae said through gritted teeth._

_“I ran into your mum a couple months back she told me, well first she yelled at me that for lying to her and told me you took a gap year from uni in your first year because you had a relapse-”_

_“ **YEAH WELL IF YOU HAD DONE YOUR FUKIN’ JOB RIGHT IT WOULDN’T OF HAPPENED THAT WAY”** Rae shouted as all of her pent up anger poured out in every syllable._

_“And I want to apologize for that for not being professional or honest earlier with you” Kester looked down furrowing his brows in regret as he sighed._

_“Well if that’s all I got to go” Rae pushed past him but than stopped and turned around she ran too much from things and decided this time she would face this, she was owed answers.“ I want to know why you did what you did?” Rae stared down her former therapist once trusted confident with tears glistening in her eyes._

_“I let my personal problems and feelings I hadn’t dealt with affect my professional judgment” Kester said with a tone of regret in his voice._

_“And what the fuck were they?” Rae spat out as she blinked back tears trying to be strong._

_“Being fired, not sure what to do next, but mostly wanting to succeed in helping you where I failed in helping tix” Kester shamefully looked at Rae._

_“Fuck you Kester, you cant blame this on tix-”_

_“I’m not Rae I put the blame on me for falling to deal with those feelings, something I saw a therapist about. The point is I failed at my duty of care to you” Rae looked coldly at Kester._

_“Yeah you defiantly did. Mum told me you ran into her and I was happy she told you off. I needed you to cut through my bullshit Kester, to get me to open up to my friends, my family… Finn. I made mistakes that made me start pushing everyone away and trusted someone I should never have who stabbed me in the back and poisoned my mind” Rae heaved as the tears fell down her face her resolve broken._

_“I’m sorry I lied to your mum, I was trying to bide more time to work with you Rae and knew she wouldn’t let me see you if she knew my status at the hospital to do that. I honestly thought you were ok to go to uni well tried to convince myself of that, Rae I ignored that part of me that should have known you were going through a relapse it was wrong of me to say it was setback-”_

_“Well I’m glad to see you finally realized that kester! You know I worked out in therapy that me hurting my hands had nothing to do with you or Finn and everything to do with not handling the pressure of everyone wanting me to go to uni including you. You should have helped me to work that out but you didn’t” Rae wiped away her tears as some of her anger was dissipating with every confession made._

_“Why did you blame Finn and me than?” Kester said in his usual therapist tone that annoyed Rae._

_“Don’t you dare act like a therapist kester! If you want to know that badly because I didn’t want to admit to myself that that my lies caused me to hurt Finn and I really wanted to hurt you for lying to me” Rae pressed her lips tightly together trying not to think about Finn._

_“ I know I can’t say it enough but I am sorry Rae. I’m not a therapist anymore by the way if it helps any. I opened a motorcycle shop. I realized I was burnt out and needed a change” Kester smiled small at Rae uneasily as she looked at him blankly._

_“I can’t see you owning a motorcycle shop Kester”Rae huffed out light chuckle looking at him surprised._

_“There’s a lot you don’t know about me Rae” Kester folded his arms as he tightly smiled nodding his head looking down at the ground._

_“Guess not but you were my therapist not my friend, didn’t really need to know any of it”_

_“Rae I know I can’t make up for all the wrong I cased, lying I-”_

_“Doesn't matter Kester I did ok in spite of you…eventually” Rae said in a air of coolness and looked at her watch seeing that she needed to head to class._

_“I need to go to class, goodbye Kester” Rae walked past him but stopped once more to turn and look at him. “One thing Kester I need to know how did you get into the hospital being fired and all to continue our sessions? Did ya ninja style your way in or something?” Rae said mockingly as she looked at Kester with disdain._

_“It was actually quite easy with the change over of the hospital I was able to sneak my way in and it worked until Dr. Alan found us that day” Kester looked down shamefully._

_“Well I guess that answers that than oh by the way looking in my diary for answers was a joke cause all it did was make it worse” Rae turned without a goodbye or backward glance and walked across the campus as Kester watched her leave. A feeling stirred in him that this would be the last he would see of Rae Earl._

 

“I haven’t seen him since that day and I don’t care to see him again either” Rae sighed a hint of hurt in her voice thinking on that day as she drove.

“Sound like you haven’t forgiven him” Finn couldn’t blame Rae if she hadn’t.

“I have actually for all his faults he still was a good therapist in the beginning, he just lost his way and my trust. I’m happy he found help though I guess even therapists need therapists” Rae chuckled lightly as Finn huffed out a laugh.

“Guess so” Finn fiddled with the lock on the car door as he watched the town fly by out the window.

“But I guess mum needed one too”

“What ya mean?” Finn turned to look at Rae’s profile that still took his breath away.

“Kester wasn’t the only one to fail me my mum did in a way. After meting the gang and talking to your dad I left to go to Tunisia and that’s where me and my mum had a much needed talk”

 

_The two hour or so flight left Rae with nothing but her thoughts, she really hoped Gary could convince Finn to talk to her. She feared that gray was right and the nelson stubbornness was going to make getting answers difficult, but what Archie said hurt her the most that he was trying to forget her and deeply hurt about what he did, deep down she couldn’t blame him for wanting to forget her, angry at her self for all of her failings in their relationship. Her plane lands in the afternoon, she walks out of the walkway into the airport to see her mum and Karim with Jasmine in his arms standing waiting for her. She hugs them in greeting than they make there way out to the car. Rae settles in her room that she has to share with her sister which she doesn’t mind one bit she found she really missed jazz. There’s a knock on the door and Rae puts down her shirt she was hanging up to answer it._

_“Yeah mum” Rae was surprised her mum actually knocked on her door instead of barging in as always._

_“I was wondering if we could talk” Rae nodded and moved to let Linda in the room and closed the door after, they both sat on the bed._

_“So why did you decide to take a gap year Rae” Linda said softly looking worriedly at Rae._

_“I couldn’t handle it mum, I’ve been fooling myself since June telling myself I was ok when I wasn’t” Rae said quietly as Linda put a hand on her daughters in support a felling of guilt was building insider her._

_“So what do you want to do than?”_

_“Go back to therapy, this time find one that won’t lie to me or brush me off”_

_“I still can’t believe Kester lied to us like that he should have been honest. I would have never let you see him if I had known”_

_“But you knew he was fired mum” Rae raised her voice in anger at her mum._

_“No I didn’t why do you think that?” Linda said defensively._

_“Because you called the hospital to set up an appointment with him after I ruined your party, didn’t they tell you?” Rae looked confused as did Linda._

_“I don’t understand yes I set up the appointment calling the number he gave me to get a hold of him”_

_“So you didn’t call the hospital?”_

_“Rae no, Kester called one day in April giving me a number to call because of the moving of the hospital to the new one. He said there was to much confution or something and this was an easier way to get a hold of him”_

_“Nice he lied to you to! Why” Rae felt betrayed even more by Kester._

_“I don’t know dear. Rae um..” Linda struggled with what she wanted to say._

_“Yes mum”_

_“Rae did I-did I… do you feel like I pressured you into going” Linda heat raced at the thought her daughter would say yes”_

_“Everyone was not just you mum” Rae said quietly as a single tear fell down her face._

_“Oh I knew I shouldn’t have gone against my instincts damn parenting books” Linda said with guilt in her voice hating that she managed to fail Rae again._

_“Parenting books what are you on about now?”_

_“I’ve been reading some you see I…well I didn’t want to make the same mistakes that I did with you to your sister. I wanted to do better and not screw her up like I did with you” Linda closed her eyes as the tears fell, Rae put her arm around her mum._

_“Mum you didn’t screw me up you did the best you could your strong mum it’s probably were I get it from” Rae reassured her mum._

_“Oh Rae you have know I idea how much I wanted to yell at you about that uni letter but the books said to be supportive so I told you I was proud of you instead. I see now I should of listened to my instincts and asked you what was going on”_

_“I wished you had to I’m sorry I disappointed you I tried so hard to make it work but it just-”_

_“Rae I’m not disappointed in you but at myself for not doing more”_

_“Mum its ok you had other things on your mind with Karim its why I told you I was ok so you could be with him you needed him” Rae said understandingly._

_“NO YOU NEEDED ME MORE RAE and I’m sorry I pressured you I just wanted you to have a better chance at life than I did” Linda sniffed back the tears._

_“Mum maybe we should both go to therapy I think it will do you…us some good”_

_“You know that may not be such bad idea pet” Linda wiped away her tears and patted her daughters knee._

_“And as for those parenting books mum I don’t think you need them that much and maybe with therapy you wont need them at all”_

_“Maybe, Rae I have something to confess about the dress I gave you”_

_“What is it?”_

 

_“I know you said not to get a dress for your levers ball because we couldn’t afford it with Karim losing his job but I did anyways and just told you I had it for ages” Linda looked at Rae bashfully_

_“Mum I figured that out when the dress fit me perfectly. Honestly mum I know you would never have forgotten that dress when we were looking for a new one for your reception. You would never spend the money if you could have saved it. Plus even if you could fill the dress out mum you’d have to wear sky high platforms so the dress wouldn’t pool around your feet I am taller than you” Rae smirked as Linda started laughing._

_“ I never could fool you for long” Rae and Linda hugged and than headed down for dinner._

 

“That was just the first of many talks we had, we even did joint therapy and its helped. We have a good friendship now” Rae swiped the key card down and opened the door to let Finn and her in. Rae laid down her stuff as Finn sat on the settee with Rae sitting next to him after calling room service for tea.

“It’s good to hear Rae considering how much you complained about her” Finn chuckled as Rae huffed out a laugh.

“So Archie told me you found your mum and everything that went on with her”

“Yeah we’ve been talking a lot by email it’s strange to have her back in my life but its good. Were taking it slow” Finn leaned back on the settee as Rae turned a bit more to Finn bring up her leg into a comfortable position.

“Well I’m happy you had a better experience with your mum than I did with my father” Rae said bitterly at mentioning her dad.

“Yeah I’m happy about it too. You know Rae Victors not your dad Karim is because he’s been there for you” Finn grabbed a hold of Rae’s hand, his thumb rubs over her knuckles gently.

“I know I even call him dad now, the first time I called him that he teared up just like he did when he walked me down the aisle at my wedding” Rae smiled but had the hint of tears pooling in her eyes, licking her lips she blinked them away, Finn held her hand tighter.

“The gang told me about your husband Rae I’m very sorry to hear it” Finns heart was breaking for Rae at this moment as he saw the pain in her eyes.

“Thank you Finn its hard to believe its been two years since I lost Dan” Rae inhaled a shaky breath as she wiped away a tear that fell down her face.

“Tell me about him? if its ok that is” Finn asked hesitantly.

“Yeah Its fine, he was a good man Finn I think you would have liked him. The gang did” Rae smiled warmly at the memories of her late husband.

“You were happy weren’t you” Finn smiled at Rae and the happiness she found even if it had been short lived.

“Yeah I was. I met him in my English lit class, one day after a few weeks of longingly looks from him, he finally plucked up the courage to ask me out”

_“Hey Rae wait up” Dan called out to Rae as she started to leave the class room, she stopped and turned around._

_“Yeah Dan what is it” Rae smiled big at him as he got closer to her._

 

_“Um I got these tickets to a gig with some pretty good local bands and I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me” Dan blushed as he picked at an invisible thread on his jeans nervously._

_“Yeah sure sounds great” Rae looked at Dan who was tall like her muscular with sandy blond hair and emerald looking eyes. He was defiantly fit looking to Rae._

_“Wonderful, um it’s this Friday and starts at eight so pick you up at seven” Dan said with elation in his voice that the girl he was pinning for had agreed to go out with him. Rae caught his eye the first moment she walked into class and couldn’t stop thinking about her._

_“Works for me um here’s my number and dorm number” Rae and Dan exchanged information and they walked out of the building together. Dan started off in the direction of his next class, he took a moment to turn for one last look at Rae walking backwards as she watched him leave. Dan kept walking backwards and bumped in a rubbish bin almost tripping as Rae grimaced trying not giggle. Dan righted himself while nervously laughing, Rae thought he was so adorable._

_It was Friday night and Rae was putting on her final touches of her make up, just a little mascara and lip gloss. She chose black leggings and a new red mini skirt paired with a fitted band shirt. There was a knock at the door and Rae went to answer it. Dan just stood mesmerized at the raven haired beauty in front of him, he knew Rae was beautiful but tonight she was stunning._

_“You look amazing Rae” Dan smiled like a kid in a candy store making Rae blush._

_“Thank you ready to go?” Rae said while putting on her leather jacket._

_“Yep let’s go” Dan offer his arm for Rae to take, as she put her arm in his she took noticed of how wonderful he looked in black jeans and band shirt wearing a flannel over it. They went to a pup near there campus of the uni and found seats close to the stage. Dan got them drinks, they talked about there backgrounds finding that there both from the north with Dan living in Lincoln, Rae told him that she was studding to be a writer and Dan was studying to be a journalist. The had similar taste in music and love of books. Rae had agreed to a second date at the end of the evening._

 

“So we started dating and I opened up to him about my past after a month and he stayed. He was the second love of my life Finn. You know at first when he showed a bit of interest in me I didn’t question it, the possibility and latter his love. A little of that had to do with therapy and you believe it or not” Rae poked Finn in the chest lightly while smiling at him. The was a knock at the door.

“That must be room service I’ll be back” Finn nodded as Rae got the door and a waiter wheeled in a cart to the settee with their tea and biscuits. Rae tipped the person and closed the door after they left, she made herself tea while Finn did the same than sat back down on the settee.

“So how did I help?” Finn couldn’t help but be amused as he sipped his hot tea.

“Because you loved me, you showed me it was possible for someone to love me for me. I guess I was ready to finally see it” Rae sipped her tea smiling small at Finn.

“And you weren’t with me” Finn said a bit hurt.

“I still had things to figure out Finn so no I wasn’t ready but when Dan came into my life I knew I was. I think life puts some people in our path to learn something from to prepare us for what ever comes our way in life, in this case that was you”

“I guess we touch peoples lives in more ways than we think” Finn said reflectively, he never could believe he would be so important to anybody. They both sipped their tea putting them down on the table in front of them.

“Yeah we do. Dan and I had so many dreams of traveling the world, starting a family, everything that most couples dream of. But he started getting sick and one day he got a call from the doctor saying his cancer that affected him when he was a child came back.” Rae sniffed as Finn squeezed her hand his heart going out to her.

“I’m so sorry Rae”

“Thank you Finn, he fought it though but lost in the end. On his death bed he made me promise him I’d write a book. I had been thinking of doing that for a year or so while working at this radio station I dj‘d at”

 

_Rae looked at her husband who’s breathing was ragged and looked worn from months of fighting the cancer that’s been insidiously eating him up inside and spreading. She holds his bony hand sitting next to him and sings one of his favorite stone roses tunes softly, her husband turns to her smiling mesmerized by her sweat voice._

_“Hey there beautiful” Dan whizzes as he tries to smile._

_“You should be resting you’re not gonna get any better if you don’t” Rae said more to herself as she fought the tears._

_“Oh my love I don’t think any amount of rest will help but I love that you believe that it will”_

_“I just don’t want to loose you Dan I love you” Rae’s voice trembled as she felt a tear fall down her face that Dan found enough strength to wipe away._

_“I love you too with all the stars in heaven but your strong Rae. It was one of the things that attracted me to you” Dan took a moment to catch his breath.“ I want you to promise me that your going to live for the both of us, I want you to go to the places that we dreamt of going”_

_“I promise” Rae nodded her head as another tear fell that she wiped away seeing as Dan didn’t have the strength this time._

_“Also please write that book I know that your soul is craving to write. Your meant to be a writer, follow that dream” Dan wheezed again, Rae caressed the side of her husbands face holding his hand to her heart._

_“Of course I will. I’m going to miss you so much love” The tears fall down Rae’s face, a tear falls down the corner of Dan’s eye as his heart is breaking for his wife that he has to leave her so unfairly soon in life._

_“And I will miss you to the heavens and back” Rae leaned her head on his chest listing to his heartbeat and sings his favorite song again._

 

“A few hours latter he passed but as all thing in life it goes on, a couple of month later Izzy gave birth to her baby and I wrote that book” Rae wiped at her tears than took her cup taking another sip of her tea.

“ You deserved longer with him Rae”

“Finn I got four wonderful years with him and I’m grateful I got that and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m sorry that your marriage didn’t work out that well” Rae said sympathetically while giving his hand a squeeze.

“Its ok it wasn’t much of a loss she was nightmare, she fucking got a house without talking to me about it for fucks sake” Finn huffed out a breath as he shook his head at himself glad to be rid of her taking another sip of tea.

“Oh my god ,why did you stay so long?” Rae couldn’t believe Finn would stay with someone that according to Archie was as bad as Stacy and apparently he wasn’t kidding Rae thought.

“As a misguided self punishment for hurting you Rae. Its not exactly like you told me off at your levers ball liked I hope you would. Hell asking for that kiss was a last ditch effort to make you hate me” Finn blurted out shocking Rae.

“Is that why you showed up to make me hate you? Why?”

“Because I wanted you to hate me as much as I did in meself at not being enough at the time to help you get through whatever it was you were struggling with” Finn blinked back the tears threatening to fall.

“Finn how could you know anything if I wasn’t letting you in. Ironically I found it easier to get physically naked with you than emotionally if anybody failed it was me Finn, I was unfair. I’m sorry that you felt the need to punish yourself and by how much I hurt you with my lies” Rae let out a big sigh relief washing over her at being able to say what she had wanted since figuring out things in therapy.

“Well I’m still sorry for saying what I said at the pup and what I did about Katie”

“Its ok Finn I forgave you a long time ago for all of that I just hope you can forgive me” Finn nodded his head as he took Rae in his arms for a tight hug. They pulled away than Finn took a breath before looking at Rae forming the question he’s been wanting to ask, wishing he asked back then.

“Rae why didn’t you want to tell me about getting into uni?”

“Finn to be honest I had just gotten to a good place mentally than mum started in about uni and I got scared feeling That I just wasn’t ready yet. I only applied to one uni after all, I mean who the fuck only applies to one uni. I figured I wouldn’t get in than I could say I tried than work full time at tower records, find a flat and hoped to go when I felt more ready, I still had a dream of becoming a writer. It unfortunately didn’t work that way I got excepted and freaked”

“I wished you had told me that”

“Finn I wished I had told you a lot of things but like I said it was hard to allow myself to open up. I still was scared that if you ever truly knew how mad I was you would leave. I still felt you would wake up, see I wasn’t right for you. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop” Rae looked at Finn ashamed that she wasn’t able to trust him enough to share these feeling with him when she should have.

“Rae I thought we had gotten over the whole looks thing with us and all I ever wanted was you to tell me what your stuff was, mad or no I would only leave if you had told me too” Finn said with hurt in his voice

“I’m sorry Finn I realize that now. I did get over the looks thing when I realized you were kind, loyal to your friends, supportive, loving, and special. I reduced you to looks so I could push you away easer because it would have been harder to let you go if I admitted that it was more than looks I loved about you Finn”

“ When did you start letting go of me”

“When I told you our relationship was a joke. It wasn’t by the way and I‘m sorry I said it” Rae said regretfully looking down biting her lip worriedly. Finn squeezed her hand giving her a small smile as he acknowledged her apology.

“You know when you asked me too move in with you I felt that I wouldn’t have to figure out a new plan and I wouldn’t lose you so soon, I was scared of that more than anything. I really did like the idea of moving in with you Finn, but it all fell apart with one lie. Deep down I felt our time was up because of it” Rae wiped away a tear feeling lighter at admitting that to him.

“Well that’s funny cause I felt the same way, felt that we were on borrowed time ever since I kissed you in your room after I came back from Leeds. When ya didn’t get in uni I thought it was a sign that maybe you were meant to stay in my life that I wouldn’t lose you either,”

“Why did you feel like that? Why did you risk being with me again if you felt we were on borrowed time? ”

“Because one you were worth it and two it was all I ever known about women in my life they leave me, see I had lot of shit to work out of me own Rae. I tried to be perfect for you so you would want stay in my life hoping I could do better this time unlike with me own mum. What I failed to realize is that I didn’t have to lose you completely out of it that it would be ok if we had parted as friends. Like I said I would never want to hold you back I just wanted to stay a part of your life” Finn let a tear slip down his face regretful of all the time lost with Rae.

“That is where I feel like I failed you Finn I should have encouraged you to talk to a therapist about your mum and maybe your Nan too. I should have opened up to you more and I find sometimes I need to be pushed to open up. Dan did that when I started to hold back, called me on a lot of shit too” Rae huffed out a laugh at the most memorable arguments they had.

“He sounds like he was really good for you Rae” Finn was beginning to defiantly regret not meeting Rae’s late husband.

“He was but so were you. I should have told ya that more, reassured ya more” Rae looked at Finn thoughtfully while placing her hand on his knee, the warmth of her touch spread through his body.

“We should of said a lot of things. I should have told ya I was thinking about getting a flat and not just surprise it on ya”

“Well why didn’t ya?”

“Because I wanted to show you I was worthy I never felt I was for ya. Felt if I didn’t keep up you would see I was nothing special” Rae wiped away a tear that started falling down Finn’s cheek.

“Oh Finn you were worthy we both were of each other and if we had communicated better we would have seen that. Hell I could have save myself from going to uni before I was ready for it if I had talked to you more, the gang, mum even Kester” Rae took anther sip of her now cooled down tea.

“Rae if you weren’t sure about uni why did ya go was it just the pressure you felt form everyone to go” Finn finished off his tea putting the cup on the table than looked back at Rae.

“Partly but mostly like I told the gang it was about feeling like a burden” Rae pushed back her hair behind here ear.

“Because of Katie making you feel that way” Finn said bitterly wanting to tell this girl off for what she did.

“Yeah a bit, I even thought of suicide after what she said to me to get out of my loved ones way and imagined that you came and saved me” Finn felt like a knife gutted him at the idea that Rae had thought about ending her life.

“What! Rae-”

“Finn its ok I didn’t do it obviously but it put into my head I needed to save myself which made no since because I knew I already could. It was in a therapy session that made me realize it had nothing to do with needing to be saved but everything to do with feelings of being such a burden to you that I thought you felt you needed to save me ”

“Rae you were never a burden to me I wish you could have seen that”

“I see it now Finn I realize I’m not although I do have bad days where I think it a little but that’s when I reach out to someone” Rae smiled at Finn as he put his hand on hers as another question came to mind .

“ Rae is that when ya put on that façade ya said that broke at uni?” Finn furrowed his brows quizzically.

“Yes after I looked in my diary for the so called answers what a joke. I was in the worst mind set and couldn’t look at it rationally all it did was remind me of how good I am at spewing bullshit and isolating myself and that’s what I did, I started telling everyone what they needed to hear so they would think I was fine” Rae looked down playing with the edge of the pillow near by as Finn squeezed her hand to go on. She turned to look at him before taking a breath.

“Even with you at the levers ball I told ya shit that came out of the top of my head not meaning any of it I just was trying to avoid having a real conversion like were having right now. You want to know why I didn’t tell ya off?”

“Yeah”

“Because I wasn’t in the right mindset to really deal with anything and I didn’t until it came to a head at uni. Its strange I was planning on pushing people away, I was going as far as to think of excuses to keep Chloe away despite what I told her. I ended up keeping in touch with them instead like they have with me but It was you that pushed everyone away. Why Finn?

“It hurt to keep the gang around Rae because it would have remained me of you. I was basically running living in the past and punishing myself for it” Finn let out a sigh feeling like he really could let go now and forgive himself.

“I see you’ve stopped Archer filled me in on you doing therapy I see it’s helped” Rae looked a Finn proudly.

“Yeah it has, by the way you did help encourage me to seek therapy” Rae looked at him shocked than grinned at him in confusion.

“Your book it inspired me and I’m still waiting for you to sign it” Finn said cheekily as he held out her book to her.

“oh fuck I haven’t have I, guess having our talk was more important ” Rae took the book and using a pen that laid on the table besides her wrote in the book. Finn took it back and read what she wrote letting out a chuckle than looked at Rae thoughtfully.

_To Finn,_

_The most kindest, quite, special person I know who still has the second best music taste around._

_Love Rae_

  
“I see some things never change with you” Finn shook his head scratching the back of his neck as Rae looked at him smugly.

“No but speaking of music Archie told me your working at sound mixing”

“Yeah in fact I just got job at a small record company in London. I’ll get to work with indie bands” Finn beamed that made Rae look at him proudly.

“Finn that sounds wonderful, you know I live in London we’re going to have to have lunch or tea sometime” Finn took Rae hand turning it over and started writing on her palm, Rae smiled as she watched Finn start spelling out the word **H-O-W** than he stopped and intertwined his fingers with hers, Rae looked at him confused at to why he stopped there old secret mode of communication.

“I think I’m gonna use me words, how about we get somethin’ now? Talk some more” Finn smiled warmly at Rae.

“I would love that Finn oh hold on” Rae herd her mobile ring Izzy’s special ring tone and got up to check it, her eyes widened at the message than a smile appeared on her face.

“Um were gonna have to take a rain check on the dinner Finn Izzy’s having her baby” Rae said excitedly.

“Well lets go then I missed the first one I don’t want to miss this one” Finn grabbed Rae’s hand and they both made there way out to the hospital.

  
******************  
one year latter

Finn pulls into the driveway of Rae’s London home she bought six month ago, he Parks than gets out and walks around to open the door for Rae. Finns breath is taken away again at the sight of her in a burgundy dress that caressed every curve and her long raven hair lose and wavy. Rae smiles at him as she got out admiring the tan trousers and the smart blue jumper he wore.

“ That was a very noisy first birthday party, you still want kids one day Rae” Finn turned the side of his mouth in a half smile still not sure if he could hear out of his one ear properly yet. Rae chuckled as she intertwined her hand with his.

“Right know I’m kinda thinking twice about it but again tomorrow might be a whole different story” Rae mused as she shrugged than smiled at Finn.

“I still cant believe how many kids were there at Chops daughters birthday”

“Yeah well chop has a lot of family, lots of cousins. I was happy the gang could all be there though” Finn nodded than Finn stops Rae to caress her cheek looking deeply into her eyes, his heart races as Rae swallows nervously. He looks at her lips licking his own than back to her eyes asking a silent permission as Rae nods ever so slightly. He leans in just grazing his lips on hers taking it all in before he lightly placed his lips on hers for the first time in almost ten long years. He softly kisses her running his tongue along her bottom lip before he gently suckles on it causing Rae to moan into there kiss, she surprises Finn when she slip her tongue into his mouth their tongues dancing together in a rhythm as old as time. They kiss passionately for what felt like days but was mere minutes when suddenly the heavens open up and a light Rain falls all around them.

“Finn we should get inside its raining” Rae who pilled apart first giggled as the rain continued to fall on them. Finn just put his arm around her holding her tighter to him.

“Well the rain can just fuck off because I’m kissing you and no amount of rain is gonna stop me from continuing” Finn than crashed his lips with Rae’s as there kiss becomes heated all tongue and teeth trying to get closer, their souls aching for this long denied connection cried out in joy. Their clothes cling to them as the rain falls, they melt into there heated embrace and sensations running trough them. Finally Finn concedes to going inside when the rain starts pouring down heavily around them. They run into the house and start to peel off their wet clothes leaving a trail as the walk upstairs to Rae’s room kissing along the way. They make there way into Rae’s bed caressing one another every touch familiar and new, every kiss tender and loving. They cling to each other connecting deeper that before grounding themselves into the others hearts. There bodies that have ached for the other find solace in there love as there souls melt into one being. Rae wakes up in the middle of the night to see her Finn sleeping peacefully next to her, the sliver of moonlight coming from her window casts an ethereal glow on Finns face. She sighs with contentment being in his arms watching him breath slowly in and out his features softened by seeps embrace. She slowly moved his arm off of her and sneaks out of bed, she grabs her diary from her nightstand by her bed and goes to the little sitting area in her master bedroom turning on a little light by the chair looking over at Finn checking to see that he’s still asleep. Satisfied she hadn’t awakened him she takes her pen and starts to write in her diary.

_June 19th, 2008_

_Dear diary,_

_Its been a year since Finn and I stated seeing each other again and yes we have been taking it slowly rebuilding our foundation that we started in our teens. We’ve been talking so much we could put Archie’s bloody Alexander the Great lecturers to shame. We’ve gotten to know each other again I guess getting to know the people we are now. We kissed last night for the first time in ten years, I told you we have been taking it slow on his insistence. Personally I was ready to shag him six months ago. Oh but the kiss diary it felt new and like I was coming home at the same time. I guess your wondering if the kiss led to anything else, yes it did. Do I miss Dan diary yes every day but I was blessed to have him in my life for the amount of time I did and I’m just as blessed to have Finn come back into it. Do I know where me and Finn might end up no diary that is the uncertainty of life and I’m not scared by it I charge at it just like Tixy told me too in a girls bathroom long ago. Yes I do have days when my mind works against me and the fear bubbles up but like kester said being brave isn’t about not being afraid its about doing the right thing when you are._ _**I’ve learned there’s a difference between standing on your own, knowing its ok to ask for help when life burdens you and telling yourself you’re still standing when your being crushed by those burdens.** So now I face things, I don’t run, I don’t avoid. I know that I don’t walk alone on my path in life, mum, Karim, Jazz, Chloe, Archie, Izzy, Chop, Danny, and Finn are the hands that are willing to lift me up when I can’t do it on my own, holding on until I can. I am Rae Earl a daughter, a big sister, a friend, a girlfriend ,a writer, a survivor who lives with an illness but is so much more than it. That dear diary finally knowing it in my heart well that travels with me._

_Until next time diary to be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was for me my own fix it fic for that nonsense that was s3 mmfd, I tried to find motivations and reasons for what everyone did in s3 that was soooooo out of character for everyone and to do that I felt I had to think outside of the box. So I’m not sure how plausible the explanations are but nothing in s3 made sense or was plausible anyway so yeah. I did take a lot of rants to heart of issues people brought up,I tried to make sense out of nonsense in this story I probably missed a few, I tried though to get them all. I would like to explain about the hospital some very observant emus noticed in s3 ep2 Rae was at a psychiatric hospital when in s1 Rae was at a regular hospital with a psych ward in it. So to explain that inconstancy (Just one of many in s3) I came up with the idea that the town built a new one and made the old into a psychiatric hospital, that allowed me to explain why the hospital didn’t let Rae know that kester was fired in April. Also explains how kester got into the place in that whole month of May that’s between April and June that s3 starts in to continue sessions with Rae when he wasn’t supposed to you know being fired and all. So that’s it, I’m now off to work on the next chapter of Fading Away you know my other multi chapter fic I started but haven’t finished because Drifting took over my life but there’s a Rinn wedding in it. It’s a nice day for a Rinn wedding (sung to the tune of Billy Idols song white wedding, what can I say I have a soft spot for 80‘s music may Rae &Finn forgive my questionable music taste ) sorry its late as I type this and I become a little loopy when I’m tired. Ok by now.


End file.
